Astronaut Safety Tips
ByErik Amonson February 08, 2007 - 4:43 am | PermalinkNow that Lisa Marie Nowak has been charged for attempted murder for driving nine-hundred miles to mace Air Force Captain Colleen Shipman (and do God knows what else to her), the cover is blown for astronauts. No longer will they be able to hide behind their mutiple degrees and their rigorous training. Their danger is obvious now, and it's everywhere. As a public service, we consulted an astronaut expert who has graciously provided a list of precautions the careful citizen can observe to keep himself and his loved ones safe from the astronaut menace.
- Avoid direct eye contact. Astronauts are easily threatened and may lash out with very little provocation. If you mistakenly look an astronaut in the eye, fake a seizure. Astronauts are afraid of public attention; that's why they live in outer space.
- Wear adult diapers at all times. The habits of astronauts are mysterious, but what is known is that they almost always wear adult diapers. By strapping some Depends across your own crotch, you will effectively limit the ability of an astronaut to tell that you are a normal human. And astronauts rarely attack their own kind.
- Do not trust anybody who needs supplementary oxygen to survive. Astronauts, recovering from their time in oxygenless space, frequently disguise themselves as old people who need oxygen tanks because their lungs are too frail to support their needs. Don't be fooled! Never enter a nursing home. This is where astronauts hibernate, and they can be especially fearsome when prematurely awoken from their slumber. Some astronauts have been known to drive hundreds or even thousands of miles in search of the fools that dared disturb them.
- Hang items from fishing line in and around your home. Fishing line is nearly invisible, and the hanging items may trick an astronaut's brain into thinking that they are at home in a zero-gravity environment. This will sooth the astronaut, allowing you to harmlessly tranquilize it and ship it back to NASA for reprogramming... or euthanasia, in some extreme cases.
- If you notice someone following you in a parking lot, yell something about a failing heat shield. Any astronaut worth its UV-protected helmet-visor will immediately duck and cover, marking itself for easy identification. Do not attempt to approach the terrified astronaut. It believes itself to be in danger, and may already be summoning help from the skies. Dump a box of microchips on the ground to keep the astronaut busy until you can reach a safe distance. Astronauts love microchips.
- If attacked, fight back. Astronauts are very different from us, but they can still suffer from many common human ailments such as broken noses and kicks to the junk. Therefore, if you find yourself suddenly set upon by one or more astronaut, attempt to break noses and/or kick junk.
- Astronauts are naturally drawn to planetariums. Avoid them at all costs if you enjoy having unmaced eyeballs.
- If you are considering having an affair with an astronaut, DO NOT. A good rule of thumb about astronauts is that there is no such thing as a lone astronaut. Where there is one astronaut, there is always another astronaut lurking, waiting for you to make a mistake, waiting for an opportunity to use their ever-present stockpile of knives, rubber tubing, and garbage bags. What do the astronauts use these items for? No man has ever survived to find out.
- Keep children close by at all times. The average child is extremely susceptible to the nefarious mind games of even the most feeble astronaut. Even one encounter with an astronaut may forever taint your child's future with dreams of space travel or other astronaut-related activities. Meeting an astronaut is nothing but a gateway to wanting to become an astronaut yourself, especially for the naive mind of a young child who is not yet aware of the inherent evils within astronautdom.
- Keep your home well stocked with cellophane and duct tape. These items are the ultimate catch-all and together can defend against any threat, be they astronauts, chemical weaponry, or high heating costs.
- Wear adult diapers at all times. The habits of astronauts are mysterious, but what is known is that they almost always wear adult diapers. By strapping some Depends across your own crotch, you will effectively limit the ability of an astronaut to tell that you are a normal human. And astronauts rarely attack their own kind.
- Do not trust anybody who needs supplementary oxygen to survive. Astronauts, recovering from their time in oxygenless space, frequently disguise themselves as old people who need oxygen tanks because their lungs are too frail to support their needs. Don't be fooled! Never enter a nursing home. This is where astronauts hibernate, and they can be especially fearsome when prematurely awoken from their slumber. Some astronauts have been known to drive hundreds or even thousands of miles in search of the fools that dared disturb them.
- Hang items from fishing line in and around your home. Fishing line is nearly invisible, and the hanging items may trick an astronaut's brain into thinking that they are at home in a zero-gravity environment. This will sooth the astronaut, allowing you to harmlessly tranquilize it and ship it back to NASA for reprogramming... or euthanasia, in some extreme cases.
- If you notice someone following you in a parking lot, yell something about a failing heat shield. Any astronaut worth its UV-protected helmet-visor will immediately duck and cover, marking itself for easy identification. Do not attempt to approach the terrified astronaut. It believes itself to be in danger, and may already be summoning help from the skies. Dump a box of microchips on the ground to keep the astronaut busy until you can reach a safe distance. Astronauts love microchips.
- If attacked, fight back. Astronauts are very different from us, but they can still suffer from many common human ailments such as broken noses and kicks to the junk. Therefore, if you find yourself suddenly set upon by one or more astronaut, attempt to break noses and/or kick junk.
- Astronauts are naturally drawn to planetariums. Avoid them at all costs if you enjoy having unmaced eyeballs.
- If you are considering having an affair with an astronaut, DO NOT. A good rule of thumb about astronauts is that there is no such thing as a lone astronaut. Where there is one astronaut, there is always another astronaut lurking, waiting for you to make a mistake, waiting for an opportunity to use their ever-present stockpile of knives, rubber tubing, and garbage bags. What do the astronauts use these items for? No man has ever survived to find out.
- Keep children close by at all times. The average child is extremely susceptible to the nefarious mind games of even the most feeble astronaut. Even one encounter with an astronaut may forever taint your child's future with dreams of space travel or other astronaut-related activities. Meeting an astronaut is nothing but a gateway to wanting to become an astronaut yourself, especially for the naive mind of a young child who is not yet aware of the inherent evils within astronautdom.
- Keep your home well stocked with cellophane and duct tape. These items are the ultimate catch-all and together can defend against any threat, be they astronauts, chemical weaponry, or high heating costs.
