Have you ever needed the solid, dependable advice of Dear Abbey, but you hate paying for the paper? Have you ever needed the counsel of a sage? Have you wished to consult the Oracle of Delphi, but were concerned that might make you the member of a cult? Well, we have a solution. Welcome to Ask ThighMaster! Ask her anything you want, and she'll answer.


Email her: doubleviking@gmail.com with the Subject Line: ASK THIGHMASTER.

If you'd like to remain anonymous, then just say so in the email and we will protect your identity. Thanks!

There's this hot chick in the cube next to me, and I think she likes me but she's always flirting with my boss. What should I do? Brian - San Antonio, TX
If this hot chick 'likes you' but keeps flirting with the boss in front of you, it means she wants more attention from you. She's flirting with the boss to make you jealous...to make you SEE how 'desirable' she is....I think she wants more attention from you, and she wants you to make your move. See if she might want to shoot some pool with you...maybe then you can find out if she wants to play with your balls and stick further....
 
Is it better to dress poorly on a date and go somewhere really nice, or wear a suit to Taco Bell? Al - San Francisco, CA
I believe it is better to wear a suit to taco bell, in order to show the immigrants that work there how "THE MAN" dresses when dining at a fine restaurant. They know nothing of good hygene, or fashion sense...we should help the poor minorities out. They are bitter and most likely are secretly crying out for help. Your question sparks alot of ideas....maybe you should organize some sort of outreach program! Maybe if we help them, we wont get bodily fluids in our chicken gordita crunches.
 
How do you know if a girl really likes you? Jimmy - Cleveland, OH
If she keeps her eyes open when shes sucking your cock.
 
Spit or swallow? Sandra - Orlando, FL
More than 8 ounces, spit....anything under, swallow.
 
Who are you and what do you do? Bob - Charlotte, N.C.
I am Thigh Master. I master thighs.
 

Thigh Master can you tell me how to speed up this query:

DECLARE PAD_Cursor CURSOR DYNAMIC FOR
SELECT
WNI_PARTNER_ACCOUNT_NUMBER,
ACCESS_CONTROL_ID,
SEQUENCE_NUMBER,
SERVICE_START_DATE,
SERVICE_STATUS,
OLD_ACCESS_CONTROL_ID
FROM
UTV_PARTNER_ACCOUNT_DETAIL_ALL
ORDER BY
WNI_PARTNER_ACCOUNT_NUMBER,
SEQUENCE_NUMBER
FOR UPDATE

OPEN PAD_Cursor

FETCH NEXT FROM PAD_Cursor
WHILE @@FETCH_STATUS = 0
BEGIN
UPDATE UTV_PARTNER_ACCOUNT_DETAIL_ALL
SET ORIGINAL_ACCESS_CONTROL_ID =
isnull(
case when OLD_ACCESS_CONTROL_ID IS NULL
then ACCESS_CONTROL_ID
else
(select max(lookup.ORIGINAL_ACCESS_CONTROL_ID)
from UTV_PARTNER_ACCOUNT_DETAIL_ALL lookup
where lookup.ACCESS_CONTROL_ID =
UTV_PARTNER_ACCOUNT_DETAIL_ALL.OLD_ACCESS_CONTROL_ID AND
lookup.WNI_PARTNER_ACCOUNT_NUMBER =
UTV_PARTNER_ACCOUNT_DETAIL_ALL.WNI_PARTNER_ACCOUNT_NUMBER)
end
,ACCESS_CONTROL_ID)
WHERE CURRENT OF PAD_CURSOR;

FETCH NEXT FROM PAD_Cursor
END Tommy - Miami, FL
Press ENTER.
 
My dog talks to me. Should I go public or keep the secret to myself? Peter - Richmond, VA
I say go public, make some money off of your dog....after all, what has he done for you but stink up the house and shit in your favorite shoes? Let me know when your dogs first performance is..I'd like to see it.
 
I punched a little Asian man in the stomach on my way to work for no reason. It felt really good. Which race should I attack next? Bill - New York, NY
Arabs.
 
I just realized this morning that I always sleepwalk into my roommate's bedroom when he's banging some chick. Why do you think this is? Frank - Las Vegas, NV
Subconsciously, you want to bang your room mate. and you blame it on the sleep walking...you must be attracted to that smell of sex and candy....
 
Oh my God! My pet rat just punched the shit out of my snake! Who is this magical rat? Kelly - Tulsa, OK
Master Splinter
 
Give me some reasons KY Jelly is better than Crisco. Gus - Los Angeles, CA
Crisco makes you break out. KY jelly is easier to spell
 
If you could be an instrument which would you be and why? John - San Diego, CA
I would definetly be a bass guitar. Im easy to play and I love getting fingered.
 
Every time I watch Lord of the Rings, I get this certain fantasy. I place the "one ring" into my cooch and Gollum fucks me for days trying to get to it. What do you think? Rebecca - Chicago, IL
I think i just orgasmed in my pants.
 
How much tax will the Lakers have to pay if they are 17.8 million dollars over the Tax threshold of 45.2 million when the Salary Cap is at 38 million dollars? Kyle - San Francisco, CA
40%, but only if both their trains depart at 9pm going 66 mph, and meet at Anchorage 2 days later.
 
I'm trying to get into the pants of my local internet-advice columnist. I'm not looking for a relationship, just sex, probably anal. She seems rather young and naive, but so far my advances have fallen short? Do you have any suggestions? Mysterious M. - Miami, FL
Maybe your advances are too subtle...be more upfront! my suggestion is to stop making assumptions that he or she is young and naive...you never know if they will be down for anal sex!