An Open Rebuttal To Asylum.com

The idea that Esquire Magazine is in any position to choose the “Sexiest Woman Alive” is laughable, as evidenced by  the complete lack of porn stars, drunken college girls, strippers, or even Playmates who have won the title. If a girl’s not willing to spread her legs, how can we know for sure if she‘s the sexiest? What if 2008 winner Halle Berry’s crotch is covered in sores, or Jessica Biel, the 2005 winner, has a tiny cock tucked between her legs? That wouldn’t be too damn sexy, now would it Esquire?  

What’s more annoying is the fact that every year it changes. You’d think the sexiest woman alive would still be pretty damn sexy the following year. Scarlett Johnasson won in 2006, but lost to Charlize Theron in 2007. What the fuck happened over the course of a year? Did Theron’s tits get bigger? Was Scarlett involved in a disfiguring grease fire? What gives?

At any rate, this year’s pick, Kate Beckinsale, felt a bit safe, even by Esquire’s standards. While we like Kate and thinks she's hot -- has she even been relevant in the last five years? She was in Pearl Harbor, which sucks so bad that many years later it’s still killing erections. And to top it off, she’s 36-frigggen-years old! You’re going to sit there with a straight face and tell me that a woman who’s pushing 40 is going to beat out all of the 22-year-olds on the planet?  Fuck you, Esquire!

So, when I saw that Asylum had come up with 5 Women Hotter Than Esquire's 'Sexiest Woman Alive,’ I was excited. Finally someone was going to call Esquire out for their bullshit!  But when I actually read their shitty little list I was so infuriated that I ended up using my cock to smash my mother’s Chanel Coromandel perfume. (If only to make my my dick smell real good.) Rather than come up with a solid list of hotties, Asylum had simply thrown together a pitiful list of annoying Hollywood starlets, half of which were recycled winners picked by Esquire in years past.

So, Double Viking has put together this rebuttal. 

Asylum’s Pick - Keira Knightley

 

You might remember Keira Knightley as the 12-year-old boy in Bend It Like Beckham and Pirates of the Caribbean.

Honestly, Asylum, why don’t you just dig up the bones of Jonathan Brandis and jerk off to that. This is supposed to be a list of sexy women, not emaciated death camp prisoners.

Asylum: But she has such a beautiful face!

So does Robert Pattinson, but I don’t want to stick my dick in his mouth. Well, maybe if he shaved.

The Double Viking Replacement - Keeley Hazell

 

In order to get the thought of Keira’s flat torso out of my head, I had to call out the big guns. And the guns don’t get much bigger than Keeley Hazel’s natural 32 E’s. I know some guys complain about breasts that are too big. Well, those guys make out with each other.

I’m well aware that in five yeas Keeley’s breasts will be scraping the sidewalk when she walks, but so what? I choose to live in the now!

Note: Denise Milani or Lucy Pinder would have also been acceptable.

Asylum’s Pick - Scarlett Johansson

Yes, Scarlett Johansson is hot, but sexiest woman alive?  No way in hell. I know she has a great rack, but she knows it too, and she’s desperately trying to prove that she’s more than just a set of tits (which she probably isn’t). From her incessant campaigning for Obama to her shitty album of Tom Waits’s covers, Johansson is constantly trying to prove that she’s not dumb, which is stupid. Even Megan Fox made fun of her for this, and she’s dumber than a bag of sand.

If Johansson really was smart she’d know that Scarlet only has one “t.” She’d also realize that with a rack like hers, all you have to do is shut up and look hot. Being annoying isn’t sexy.  Just ask all the women who have rejected me.

Plus, what if Woody Allen tapped her on the casting couch?  The mere possibility is enough to disqualify her.

The Double Viking Replacement - Brooklyn Decker

Brooklyn Decker is so god damn hot that it makes me want to cry my eyes out. Of course by cry I mean ejaculate, and by eyes I mean testicles.

Decker has been on the cover of Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Issue, which means she’s more than qualified for the role of sexiest woman. And unlike Scarlett Johansson, Brooklyn doesn’t feel the need to impress everyone with her intellect. In fact, I’ve never even heard her speak, so I’m just going to assume she never learned to talk. 

Asylum’s Pick  - Salma Hayek

Look, Salma Hayek is gorgeous, and I’d cut off my girlfriend‘s left pinky for five minutes alone with her. And the truth is she’d be a great pick for the Sexiest Woman Alive… if the year was 1995 and she hadn’t pumped out a kid. But the year is 2009, which means she’s 43-years old. And she has popped a kid, which means her vagina probably looks like this. 

I’m not saying she’s not ridiculously hot, I’m just saying we’re picking the sexiest woman alive, not Queen of the MILFs.   

The Double Viking Replacement - Sugey Abrego

Sugey Abrego is a smoking hot Mexican weather-girl. She has all the benefits of Salma Hayek, and she’s more than a decade younger.  Aye, aye, aye; me gusta!

Asylum’s Pick  - Charlize Theron

Do you fantasize about nailing a nasty truck-stop hooker with mental problems? Do you find yourself wishing you could hook up with a fairly attractive actress who’s been painted orange? If you answered yes to either of these questions, then Charlize Theron is the girl for you. But for those of us who were scared shitless by Monster and don’t dig her spray tan, Charlize Theron is nowhere near the sexiest woman alive.

The Double Viking Replacement - Krystal Forscutt

Krystal Forscutt is damn near perfect. Just look at her chest!  And you could bounce a quarter off that ass.  Then you could lick that quarter and describe what it tastes like to all of your jealous friends. Afterwards you could mail the quarter to Charlize Theron so she could put it toward some better spray tan. 

Asylum’s Pick - Beyonce

Beyonce is a pretty solid pick. She’s got a smoking hot body, a beautiful face, and she’s black, which helps fill out our racial quotas (Double Viking is down with the brown).

But in all fairness, we did rag on Salma Hayek for having a kid, which means we have to give Beyonce the boot as well. True, Beyonce hasn’t had any kids yet.  But she has spent the past several years getting her vagina completely destroyed by Jay-Z and his “big ol’ dick” (Trina’s words, not mine). Nailing Beyonce now would be like fucking a bucket.

Take it from someone who’s tried, there is nothing sexy about fucking a bucket.

The Double Viking Replacement - Vikki Blows

Vikki Blows just screams sex.  Her name is Blows, for fuck’s sake. Her body is ridiculous, and the look on her face makes it seem as if she’s begging you to “napalm her village.”

Ok, when I wrote that joke I thought she was Asian. Turns out she’s English.  So here’s an updated version.

Her body is ridiculous, and the look on her face makes it seem as if she’s begging you to “have your minute man shoot her redcoat.”

Shitty war analogies aside, Vikki Blows is sexier than anyone on Asylum’s shitty list.

Conclusion

In conclusion, all of the women mentioned in this article, including Robert Pattinson, are ridiculously hot. In the real world, my ugly ass isn’t fit to lick the pubes off their toilet seats. But this is the internets, and on the internets it’s my job to act like a chauvinist asshole and sit in judgment of these “skanks.” And when it comes to sitting in judgment of “skanks,” I am 100% better at it than Mr. Brian Fairbanks at Ayslum.   

Editor's Note: Yes, Charlie Kelly's horse from Always Sunny wrote this article. And what?