An Open Letter to the NBA: End the "Foul and Chase"

To Whom in the NBA Rules Committee it May Concern,

The NBA has been around for over 60 years.  During that time, you've widened the lanes to protect against the outright domination of giants, you've shortened the shot-clock to increase the pace of games, you've even come up with a complex system of revenue sharing and salary caps to help make sure that even the smaller market teams have a chance to retain their players and compete with New York and Los Angeles.  Yet, for some reason, you continue to completely ignore the major cause behind the fact that basketball can put on possibly the greatest show in sports and still come in third in popularity among America's three major sports.

This cause, of course, is that most games end in the most boring way imaginable:  in a series of free throws and time outs.  Free throws.  Time outs!  These are the most viewer-unfriendly aspects in all of sport.  Even soccer's free kicks aren't really free -- you still have to get the ball past a goalie.  In fact, I'm not aware of any sport that has a feature of the game itself that's quite as boring as free throws.  It's the time of the game when it's illegal for anyone to do anything but watch or, if you're sitting behind the backboard and feeling a little randy, you can slap two inflatable plastic dongs together to try to make yourself feel like you matter.

I'm not saying, though, that basketball needs to eliminate free throws.  They're a necessary part of the game, particularly in that I can't really think of a better way to penalize a team; a hockey-style penalty box would change the dynamic of the game too much for my taste*, and simply taking the ball up-top playground style is inadequate dispensation.  What I am suggesting is that you take some measures to limit the amount of free throws that will end a game.  How many times, during the 60-plus year history of the league, has a game ended with one team immediately fouling a player on the other team, calling a time out, setting up a play, taking a quick shot and repeating that cycle until the arena has been completely scoured of any soul or meaningful competition.  This process is known as the "foul and chase," ostensibly because it is foul and it chases away fans.

What is possibly more annoying -- and what I can't really expect you to do anything about, NBA -- is the reaction of most commentators when this "tactic" is inevitably "unveiled."

"...and so the chess game begins, Chuck," they'll say to Chuck.

And Chuck will say, "Well, they've got to make these free throws."

And not-Chuck will reply, "Whether they make these or not, expect a timeout to set something up."

"Gooooooootta make your free throws."

Etc.

It's fucking un-fucking-bearable, NBA.  First of all, it's hardly a chess game.  It's closer to curling, but with more downtime.  Second, with a few minor tweaks, it would be completely avoidable.

Hear me out on these options:

1) You could limit the amount of fouls allowed in the last two minutes of a game.  After these fouls are used up, the fouled team shoots a technical free throw every time they are fouled, and then gets the ball back.  Yes, I'm aware of the irony in fixing the free throw problem with a solution that involves free throws, but -- and this is important -- this system completely eliminates the motivation of fouling, as the team who fouls does not get the ball back at the end of the free throws.  Therefore, they have no reason to foul.  Therefore:  no free throws.

2) You could send Shaq to my home to punch me in the brain every time the foul and chase is about to start.  I will remember nothing of how the games end, and, in my ignorance, I'll be unable to publicly complain.

3) You could break up Marko Jaric and Adriana Lima.  I am not sure how this will directly end the foul and chase, but I have faith that, since their unholy union is the root of all that is annoying, somehow everything will fall into place once they're through.  I have included a series of pictures of Jaric trying to check into a game with his jersey on backward as encouragement.  Enjoy.

If you are unable to affect change in any of these three ways, please be advised that I also accept cash.

Check yourself before you [wriggidy] wreck yourself, NBA.  And while somebody still cares.

Love,

Erik Amonson

An Annoyed Fan 

* Strawberry