An A-Z Look At: Terrible Geek Halloween Costumes

Some geeks pour every little ounce of their over-enthusiastic fandom into their costumes, and combined with serious sartorial talent and enough money to make sure they get just the right shade of Cyclops' Tights Blue, they come up with stuff that is truly impressive:



But most, sadly, show off their fanboy-ism with pathetic, aborted attempts at cleverness and homage. And they're not the only offender--they 're aided and abetted by the massive Crappy Costume Contingency, those companies that make stuffed-into-a-plastic-bag horrifically-overpriced dumpster fodder that they call costumes. We are tricked into buying these, because they're usually the only game in town. But now your benevolent writers at B!K! are taking them--and overzealous, under-observent geeks--to task in an effort to help you out with your costume this Halloween, in easy-to-digest A-Z format. Enjoy!


A is for ATTITUDE. If you wear your costume and just aren't 'feeling it', you're going to end up looking like some poor geek who had a good idea that got lost somewhere in the translation. And even if your costume isn't that great, if you at least LOOK like you know what you're doing, and you're comfortable in your foam rubber, then you WIN. For instance:



Battle of the Bulge Batman up there kind of looks like he's aware that his belly seems to be sticking out. And he's FINE with it. He's also clearly proud of the fact that he's comics-specific in the grey and the black. None of this nouveau-armor black stuff for him, thanks. You can even see the smug glint in his smirk as he thinks to himself: "I can't believe I got Josh to agree to be Robin". So even though he's apparently lacking a cape and he doesn't have grey pants on, he wouldn't be the first person at the Halloween party you'd make fun of. That distinction lies with the Spectacular Spider-Dick to his right. That's an example of a pretty decent costume--it's accurate, it's all tights, and you can't even see where the mask ends and the costume begins, but this guy's attitude just RUINS it. He's got the "c'mon guys, just take the picture already" stance that belies the thought process of someone who knows it's going to take a good 10 minutes or so every time he has to pee. And the guy's even relatively Spidey-accurate skinny. He should be OWNING this. Instead, he looks worse than Shaggy-Head Robin over there. And big guy--Spider-Man beats Robin in just about every respect. Your costume should reflect that.


B is for BARELY TRYING: Look, overweight dudes. None of us have the bodies of superheroes. And if we do--if we devote just as much time to working out as we do to reading comics or playing video games or fantasizing about women instead of just talking to them or whatever it is that Geeks supposedly do across the board, then they're probably hyper-focused, overly-intense weirdos that 'give their all' with anything that they do. But that doesn't mean you can't ATTEMPT to look like your favorite superhero/villian/what-have-you. Take these guys:



I get that the Joker guy isn't as fit and trim as Heath Ledger. He's not exactly fat, either, he just looks, y'know. Normal. But at least he tried with the hair and the makeup and the vest with too-carefully-placed 'stains'. But what's Jimbo's excuse? A conversation in Jimbo's life, earlier in October: Jimbo: "Dude! I'm gonna be the Hulk!" Jimbo's Friend: "Oh, you're going to get one of those costumes that looks like muscles but it's foam rubber and cloth?" J: "No. It's gonna be ALL ME, baby." JF: "...you, uh...you're not, y'know. Muscular." J: "So what? I'll be the SMART Hulk! From Peter David's run! He wore a t-shirt!" JF: "Oh. Ok. And very carefully paint yourself green in a couple of layers so it doesn't accidentally wipe off, right?" J: "What? Dude I'm busy making a giant styrofoam tank that I'm gonna carry around ALL NIGHT! RAWK!" 

If you're going for Smart Hulk--go whole hog. Get the makeup right. Get the HAIR right. And don't encumber yourself with needlessly massive props. But we're getting to that.

C Is For Creative License: You KNOW you're not going to nail it. Few people do. So it's OK if you want to take the IDEA of one of your favorite characters, and tweak it a tad, just to add some humor. Like this guy:



Brilliant. The menorrah really nails it (though there shouldn't be any claws, but I digress). 

What you should NOT do is take a character and add an element that isn't fully realized or doesn't make any sense. Like this guy:



...are you saying how funny it would be if Wolverine was balding? If he had to awkwardly hold his claws between his fingers? FIGURE IT OUT before you put it on! Even this guy does it better:



YES, chubby. It WOULD be hilarious if Spider-Man was grossly overweight. And standing next to a display case of Disney VHS tapes. 

Another bad example of creative liberty gone wrong:



Everybody knows Alan Moore wouldn't be caught dead i n camo, jerkass. ZING!

I'll leave this subject with an example of good creative license:



And if you guys don't know what Unemployed Skeletor is, google the living shit out if it immediately.


D Is For Don't Even Bother: Invariably, we all end up getting one of those in-a-bag Halloween costumes. We've been invited to a party and put off buying a costume til the last minute, or we were too lazy to make a costume, or we just couldn't think of anything better to do, or we get off on the smell of cheap toxic plastic--whatever it is. And some of them are actually decent. You get what the character is supposed to be, it looks fully-realized and it's almost--ALMOST--impressive:



But then you have the costumes that are just DRIPPING cheapness. Costumes that look like they're barely trying. Costumes that you have to cock your head at and squint, then consider the daunting difficulties the costume-makers faced in bringing this costume to life. Once you go through that emotional socio-economic head trip, maybe you can KIND of see what they were going for, like this monstrosity:



"I'm Master Chief!", you might say. And the only logical response: "Did you glue green styrofoam to your stained black pajamas? Or did you spend SEVENTY SEVEN DOLLARS on that?"


E Is For Effort: Look, I may not agree with the guy--Ben Reilly? REALLY?!!--but at least you can tell he put a lot of effort into it:



That shit is hand-sewed, folks. And those little red belts with the yellow utility packs? You had to put some thought into that, man.

Then you have this guy:



Way to go, Brad. You really captured the essence of that scene in "Airplane!" where the plane is going down and the old lady is trying to put on her lipstick...oh. Oh, the Joker? Really? You rat fuck. 

Seriously, folks. Don't wait until the absolute last minute, knowing you have a purple-ish trenchcoat in the back of your closet and figure you can throw on some of your wife's makeup 10 minutes before the office Halloween party. Own it. Do it right. 

F Is For Fat: Some people understand that they're fat (like black costume Spider-Man below in "G"--at least I think he gets it). Some people don't. They declare their love for geeky things by dressing up like their favorite characters, without realizing that they're actually mocking those characters by showing that the only people who would dress up like them are fat people. It's a vicious cycle. And I understand that most characters are, y'know...thin. Or totally excellently in shape. But there's a way to do it and there's a way not to do it. If you're fat and you dress up like a superhero (or Indiana Jones or anything), then what you look like is a fat version of that character. If you're kidding--great, I appreciate your candor. If you're serious...well...I gotta go. Nice speaking with you.



See? He looks like he's actually trying. And he shouldn't be. It's like one of those beer cans you put inside a chicken and bake. 

Whereas this lady gets it. That "F" might as well stand for "Fuck you--I like it, my million-dollar-a-year-chubby-fetishist-website likes it. DEAL, bitches."



No one should look at Optimus Prime and think "I wonder which floorboard the bodies are under", followed quickly by "Probably the same one as the case of Cheetos". 



G Is For Gloves (as in--don't forget 'em): 
You know one detail that the vast majority of superhero costumes feature? Gloves. You know the one feature that costume-makers force you to spend extra money on, or you don't have the attention span to notice you're missing until it's too late and you look like a douche and can't quite figure out why? Gloves. For serious:



Truth, justice, and my fingerprints all over the place!



*hic* My repulsor rays *HIC* aren't working fer some reason *hic*



Thwipp! Thwi--GODDAMNIT IT'S ALL OVER MY HANDS!!

You get the idea.

H Is For Hot Girls: If you're a hot girl, you can dress in just about any geek-related thing and everyone wins, even if it's crappy. If you're a Geek News website and want to keep people on your page, you post a bunch of pictures of hot chicks in costumes. I know this is a tad off-topic, but who's complaining? But it serves my point in that not only do they look good, but for some reason, all of their costumes are well done, to boot. Makes ya think (props to wtfcostumes.com for these):





Does this mean that a girl that hot actually read a comic book? I think I just gave someone an aneurysm. 



This flies in the face of one of my favorite movies of all time and I DON'T CARE.



I don't care what she sounds like. I really don't. 





...you get the idea. Hot girls in costumes equals win, AND quality, for some odd reason. So that's my tip for nailing your Geek Costume without fail: Be a hot girl.


I Is For Insanity: If you forego being a recognizable superhero/video game character/movie hero/whatever the hell, instead opting to spend lots and lots of time and diligence on creating a costume for your own superhero, which you take very, very, very seriously, then you are not going to give off the impression of "cool" or "dedicated" or "Sexual Tyrannosaur", you are going to give off the vibe that you are one missed credit card payment away from murdering your co-workers with a shotgun that you lovingly refer to as "Kelly, The Equalizer":



Seriously, look at this guy. He really, really means it. And it's scaring the hell out of me.

J Is For Jesus: When you can't be a superhero, be the next best thing: Jesus! Cheap and easy, especially if you're already a filthy hippy with long hair and a beard. And what better superhero can you get than Jesus? Healing powers, levitation, the Power Cosmic--this guy is the bawmb.

Look at this guy. Yes, it's a lame and played-out Kevin Smith reference. But he's having so much FUN.