A Playlist For Life's "Special" Moments

Prepping For Self-Pleasure

It started in the morning when the secretary greeted you with a flirty hello. Her cleavage was even more ripe than usual, and you spent the remainder of the day grinding up against the leg of your desk. You count down the minutes until five o’clock, fly home and proceed to spend the next four minutes in the friendly confines of your bathroom making Kleenex ghosts. As men, we realize part of our genetic makeup includes the deep-rooted desire to routinely exercise the semen demon, and now, we have a playlist for it.

Song 1- In the Mood For Love: Frank Sinatra, Song 2 - Doll Parts: Hole, Song 3 - Whip It: Devo, Song 4 - Stroke It: Clarence Carter, Song 5 - Spank Thru: Nirvana, Song 6 - Steady Pull: Jonathan Brooke Song 7 - Soul Suckin Jerk: Beck, Song 8 - Jerk It Out: Caesars, Song 9 - I Touch Myself: The Divinyls, Song 10 - So Lonely: The Police

Disposing Of A Body

Granted, this situation (hopefully) doesn’t come up as often as the desire to rub one out, but rest assured there may come a time in your life when something goes terribly wrong. One bad decision can lead to a lifetime of midnight visits from your cellmate Bubba, who may or may not decide your new name is Theresa. Nobody wants to deal with the physical and mental anguish of prison rape, so your first objective is to get rid of 125 pounds of indisputable evidence that’s slowly starting to make your hall closet smell like a sauna full of rancid pork. Here are the tunes that will help you do it.

Song 1 – Died In Your Arms Tonight: Cutting Crew, Song 2 – Cleanin Out My Closet: Eminem, Song 3 – Chop Me Up: Three Six Mafia, Song 4 – Digging a Ditch: Dave Mathews Band, Song 5 – Bury Me In Black: My Chemical Romance, Song 6: Swimming In Your Ocean: Crash Test Dummies, Song 7 – Lay Down Sally: Eric Clapton, Song 8 – Givin The Dog A Bone: ACDC, Song 9 – Murder 101: The Wallflowers, Song 10 – Body Count: Ice-T

Banging Your Buddy's New Wife At Her Own Wedding Reception

You used to shrug off her infrared fuck-me eyes from the kitchen during poker games at your buddies house. Maybe she’s just one of those flirty types. Then you get invited to the wedding and even better, you’re the best man. The ceremony was beautiful and the booze at the reception is flowing strong and hard. As you’re walking back to the hall from the bathroom, you’re accosted by the blushing bride, except she’s not blushing, she’s super drunk, and super horny. Morality test meet gin and water, gin and water, morality test. Really, what other options did you have aside from taking her up to your room and stuffing her like a spicy spring roll. Hey, at least it wasn’t some random guy, plus, you’ll have the playlist ready to rock.

Song 1 – I’m An Asshole: Dennis Leary, Song 2 – Forbidden Love: Madonna, Song 3 – Gift of Flesh: Def Leppard, Song 4 – Love and Marriage: Frank Sinatra, Song 5 – Why Trust You: Alice Cooper, Song 6 – Sex Cow: Gwar, Song 7 – White Wedding: Billy Idol, Song 8 – Dirty: Christina Aguillera, Song 9 – Here Comes The Bride (instrumental), Song 10 – That’s What Friends Are For: Dionne Warwick

Vomiting Blood After “Absinthe Night”

It sounded like a superb idea at the time. “Let’s get the boys together for a night on the town. We’ll drink a shitload of absinthe at my place till midnight, then go make it rain at the Brass Rail”. When you wake up on the floor, you’re partially naked and lying in a pool of regurgitated meatball sub. It feels like somebody is playing Arkanoid in your head with steel tennis ball. You realize your wallet is gone and the car is on the front lawn as you crawl into the bathroom and proceed to bleed from every orifice like Bruce Willis’ feet in Die Hard. On the plus side, at least you made it home, and, you’ve got just the music for the occasion.

Song 1 – Sunday Bloody Sunday: U2, Song 2 – Evil Deeds: Eminem, Song 3 – Down With The Sickness: Disturbed, Song 4 – Devil Inside: INXS, Song 5 - Purple Hills: D12, Song 6 – Suicide Solution: Ozzy Osborne, Song 7 – Painkillers: Babes In Toyland, Song 8 – Creeping Death: Metallica, Song 9 – This Is The End: The Doors

The Wife Finally Agrees To “Open The Back Door”

Your wife/girlfriend has always said “I don’t get it” and “why would you want to stick it in there”? Well honey, I guess it’s a guy thing, but there isn’t anything we’d like to do more than finally pound that virgin balloon knot. After months, possibly years of begging, your dogged determination has finally paid off and she is open to letting you take the dirt road all the way home. You set the mood with some ice-cold malt liquor in foam cups while she drops three tranquilizers, but the moment would not be complete without the proper aural stimulation, so here’s your list.

Song 1 – Brown Eyed Girl: Van Morrisson, Song 2 – Vaseline: Stone Temple Pilots, Song 3 – Relax: Duran Duran, Song 4 – Hit Me With Your Best Shot: Pat Benatar, Song 5 – Push It: Salt N Pepa, Song 6 – Down In A Hole: Alice In Chains, Song 7 – Hurt: Nine Inch Nails, Song 8 – Breaking The Girl: Red Hot Chili Peppers, Song 9 – Rump Shaker: Wreckx-N-Effect, Song 10 – Can You Feel The Love Tonight: Elton John

Stalking Your Ex-Girlfriends On Facebook

Still using Myspace? Loser. All the cool kids have already made the switch to Facebook, and many of them are using this tool to track down and monitor every move made by girls they used to date. Call it psychopathic, call it creepy, just don’t call me while I’m trying to figure out if this new guy she’s seeing is actually a certified gynecologist. I don’t see what the big deal is. Yeah, we used to date; now I’m just curious what you’ve been up to, and where you live, and what time your husband gets home from work, and what color your panties are. Just normal stuff. Besides, it’s not like I touch myself inappropriately to the pictures…that often. Now you can enjoy some background music while you cyber-sidle up to your former flames.

Song 1 – Psycho: System Of A Down, Song 2 – Crazy: Leann Rimes, Song 3 – Every Breath You Take: The Police, Song 4 – Someone’s Lookin At You: Boomtown Rats, Song 5 – Spy Hard: Weird Al Yankovich, Song 6 – Hungry Eyes: Eric Carmen, Song 7 – Eyes Of A Stranger: Queensryche, Song 8 – Somebody’s Watchin Me (I Always Feel Like): Rockwell w/Michael Jackson, Song 9 – Creep: Radiohead, Song 10 - I Will Remember You: Sarah MacLachlin