“Man” Up Your Life! Cell Phones


#1 “Man” Up Your Plan

Got unlimited night minutes starting at 6 PM, free texting and 1000 anytime minutes?  Wow—that’s great! You vagina. First off, don’t take the free texting.  Men don’t text. Our thumbs are far too large and hairy to push those little buttons fast enough to form words.  Naw dude—we yell.

And what’s with all these minutes, dog? Spending a lot of time calling up your bros to compare outfits? “Yo, Anthony—what sneakers you think match my red bra?” A real man only needs two minutes a month on his cell phone—for the two times you feel like answering when your bitch calls.  Nuff said.

#2 “Man” Up Your Phone

YOU: “Check out my Sidekick! It’s got email, IM, games, a web browser…”

DOUBLE VIKING: “Does it come with a carrying case…for your balls? Since you cut them off and everything.”

Men don’t use “smart phones.” We don’t use skinny phones, razor phones, camera phones, mp3 phones or video phones, either. We need that super cheap phone…the one where you actually get money back when you buy it.  When you drop a man’s phone, it shouldn’t break.  It should bounce.  Twice.  Then you should be able to pick it up, head to the park and shoot some hoops with it. 

And we want our phones big—so big it takes up your hold hand, with the second hand being used to carry the oversized battery pack.  Unless it comes with backpack straps. Now THAT’s manly.

#3 “Man” Up Your Ringtone

Just because it’s technologically possible to have Gwen Stefani’s “Hollaback Girl” as your ringtone doesn’t mean you have to use it.  A manly ringtone? Something offensive and loud.  I personally rotate between three tones—the sounds of gunfire, the sound of a dentist’s drill gnashing and burning teeth, and, of course my mainstay—Cher’s 1999 hit single, “Believe.”  What?

#4 “Man” Up Your Voicemail Message

“Hi, this is Joe.  I’m not in right now…so leave a message.  Thanks!”  Beep—WRONGGG!!!

Dude, how pussy is that? You’re giving up waaaay too much information.  You might as well give them your measurements and a list of your top five favorite poems. Douche.

Here are some suitable messages:

“It’s me. Leave it…bitch.” 

“Yo. Bye.” 

“Sup? Beep’s comin…”

“Hello? What?  I can’t hear you…wait, hold up…”

“Thanks for callin’ Dudetown, USA—population me.”

“Sorry, bro. Getting electrolysis treatments on my lower back. Leave a message.”


Follow Double Viking’s tips and your cell will be “manly” in no time! Even if it’s pink.


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