12.16.08 From the Viking
A Drink-by-Drink Rundown Of Your Company Holiday Party (page 1)
Written by Mitch Martin
Check out more of Mitch Martin's work at TastyBooze.com!
It's that time of year where all the major news sites write the "What not to do at your company Christmas party" list. We all know what we aren't supposed to do but let's be honest once that booze starts flowing it's hard to follow the rules. I decided to take that idea and flip it. This is a brief run down of the shit you are going to pull as you get progressively drunker at your company party. Sure your night might not follow this one like turn-by-turn GPS directions but it gives you a rough framework to work with.
Drink #1 - Subconsciously revert to "friend talk" and start dropping F-bombs.
That language filter that we all have between work and home is one of the first things to go. You get a g & t in your hand and pretty soon f-bombs are rolling off your tongue.
Drink #2- Suggest a round of tequila shots.
Hey one drink down the party is still in those early awkward stages and you're looking to help the train to fun-town leave the station.
Drink #3 - Start hitting on the cute girl from accounting.
You always pass her in the hall and now with three drinks down you have just the right amount of liquid courage to break into the tight circle of bean counters and strike up a conversation.
Drink #4 - Announce to the party that you will be happy to take any extra drink tickets.
Things didn't go so hot with the cute accountant and now you realize it's time to get DRUNK. In these tough economic times the open bar has gone the way of the dodo. You're going to need to efficient identify all the squares and then scrounge as many free drinks from them as possible.
Drink #5 - Change coworkers wallpaper to porn.
Now is the perfect time to deploy that lemonparty.org-bomb you've been holding onto. Nothing is going to ruin the bastards day more than firing up his computer and finding some naked old dudes.
Drink #6 - Photocopy your ass.
Sure it's cliche but that's the point. You haven't been proper drunk at the company party until you've photocopied your ass for posterity.
Drink #7 - Have an uncomfortably long conversation with a coworker's significant other, whom you traveled with to Las Vegas for a convention a few weeks ago.
At this point you've had just enough that you don't realize that not only is the person you're talking to is uncomfortable but just about everyone else at the party is uncomfortable for them as well.
Drink #8 - Put your arm around a senior VP and let him know how you see your future and the future of the company playing out.
These upper-management guys are just surrounded by a bunch of yes-men. It's time a real guy from the trenches got in their ear and let them know what the common employee is feeling.
Drink #9 - Get on the PA and notify a female coworker that a "Mr. Tweenerlegs, Dixon B. Tweenerlegs" is on hold for her.
We've all wanted to pull a Bart-Simpson-esque prank call and this is the perfect opportunity. You've convinced yourself it will be funny and you're just at the brown out point where you don't really give a shit.
Drink #10 - Start hitting on the receptionist who has been eyeing you, but also might have a mustache.
The cute accountant was a no-go but that doesn't mean the whole night should be a bust. Right about this time the standards start to lower and besides, it only looks like a mustache under certain light.
Drink #11 - Photocopy your ball sack.
On the way back from the bathroom in the process of tucking in a zipping up you pass the copier and think, "Well my fly is already down and I've already done my ass. Why not put my balls on the glass and make it a set."
Drink #12 - Leave the party with the receptionist in tow.
The crowd is thinning out and the bartender is packing up. The brown out is in full effect so it's time to find that receptionist and continue this night at a local watering hole.
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Our "corporate" party, is now held at our Regional Managers big ass house. consists of drinking a shit load of Sambuca and smoking weed behing the orange grove. Precisely, the same reason as IJ's reason.
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