A (Barely Researched) Timeline of Portable Music

200,000 BCE to 20,000 BCE:  Transitioning from prey to predator

Music was not at the forefront of human consciousness during the first 180,000 years of human existence.  There’s the possibility that cave bears provided the makings for primitive bone flutes, but more often than not life was just a constant struggle to not become lunch.  That, and flying around with a magical club, yelling “Captain CAAAVEMAAAAAN” as loudly as possible.  Scared away saber-toothed cats, that did.

There is still debate as to the exact date that the first humans banged the first rocks together to make the first music, but through our lack of research we assume it was 20,000 years ago. Give or take a few millennia.  In fact, this bit of knowledge is noted in the history of the Wikipedia page for William Andrews Clark, March 31 at 5:02. 

After taking 180,000 years to come up with banging rocks together, the next portable music fad comparatively took only 10,000 years to come about.  Those Mesolithic innovators were able to capture and tame birds for their listening pleasure, and keeping birds on leashes was the most practical way to experience music for a stone-ager on the go.  Of course, the picture above is just a representation.  A real caveman would never keep a cockatiel. 

9000 BCE:  Bone Flute

The Chinese killed their birds on strings and used the bones to make flutes.  It’s a natural progression.  As was the case with paper, gunpowder, and deer penis aphrodesiacs the rest of the world would have to wait thousands of years for this bit of technology to move from the Far East to their homes.

4000-3000 BCE:  Drum and Bass

After the long gaps between other innovations, it’s amazing that it only took humans another 5000 years to come up with a new portable music choice.  While the drums were universally praised, the bass went to market a little early. There were complaints that the wire-finger dynamic --also known as the WiFi dynamic-- drastically reduced playing time.

3000-2000 BCE:  Winds and Horns

In my opinion, humanity took a step backwards with the reintroduction of respiration-based instruments.  Making portable music dependent upon breathing limits its portability.  Can you see yourself playing a flute while running on the treadmill?  I think not.  How was a Bronze-Age Chinese diplomat going to get a workout while playing the newest Yin Zizhong composition on his bamboo pipe?  He couldn’t, because he’d be out of breath before he even got to his target heart rate.  That last ten pounds isn’t going to lose itself.

Getting back on the right track, the ancients began making others do the heavy lifting for their portable music enjoyment.  Although the introduction of the guitar ultimately led to that guy in your residence hall who just has to show you that he can play the intro to “Stairway” after four galdamn tries, -- and, come to think of it, fuck him for waking you up at 2 in the morning playing Dave Matthews Band right next to your shared wall -- it also allowed rocking out.

400 BCE: Bagpipes 

Their introduction directly led to the above video, so I cannot forgive them, no matter how portable they are. 

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609-1553:  Dark Ages for Portable Music

It was dark.  Just look at that picture.  Dark like the “fill” command in MS Paint.  That’s dark.

1553:  The Violin

The violin, like the Crwth, was played with a bow.  Unlike the Crwth, the crazy posture needed to use this portable music device culminated in the invention of chiropractors.

1877:  Phonograph

The phonograph was the first portable device that allowed users to hear their favorite songs without having to pay a gang of filthy minstrels.  Early adopters were impressed with its use of a hand crank as a green energy source, but complained that it didn’t get FM radio.  Additionally, they complained that FM radio hadn’t been invented yet.

Portable music got a shot in the arm with the introduction of the first radio receivers.  Anyone who had a wheelbarrow and a whole lot of batteries could listen to almost unintelligible music from up to 10 miles away from its source.  WOW!!!  Still, some complained that it didn’t have the appeal of, say, a bird on a leash.

1951:  Tape Player

This sleek machine revolutionized the way people went to the Malt Shoppe.  With their portable tape players they were able to annoy the people around them by playing their Merle Haggard, their Roscoe Holcomb, and their Five Blind Boys of Mississippi.  Many Malt Shoppes had to be closed because of the demonic influences that the tape players brought with them.

1976:  The Boombox

It allowed for situations like this to play out across the US:

1979:  The Walkman

The Sony Walkman introduced, for the first time, portable music that only you could hear.  Up until now, filthy freeloaders could listen to your stuff if they were standing close to you.  Sony revolutionized selfishness by allowing it to break the bonds of the physical and extend to sound waves.  The RIAA would later capitalize on this revolution by suing dead people and invalids.

The Discman allowed people who had just paid 200 bucks a few years before for a Walkman to pay another 200 bucks for a new Discman.  In addition, they were allowed to buy their previously purchased cassettes again for $17.  Of course, if you didn’t live in Japan at the time you wouldn’t get this privilege for a few more years.

I have one of these.  I don’t think anyone else does.

1998:  MP3 and the Diamond Rio 

No, this isn’t really the first portable mp3 player; that was the Eiger Labs MPMan.  No, this isn’t the early 1990s country music band, either.  But, for better or for worse, this is the first mp3 player that anyone remembers.  The original Diamond Rio came with 32 MB of internal memory, and it was about the size of a deck of cards.  The RIAA sued them for allowing people to play copied sound waves, and while Diamond Rio ultimately won, it folded shortly thereafter.

2001:  Apple iPod

The first generation Apple iPod came with 5 GB of space, enough to hold about 1000 songs.  While the Rio’s battery life allowed people to refuse to interact with others for 12 hours at a time, most people got sick of hearing the same damn Smashmouth song twice an hour.  The iPod provided consumers with a boredom-free, interaction-free nirvana between white earbuds.  Later generations of the player continued the interaction-free tradition by allowing users to refuse to look at fellow humans and instead focus on their downloaded episodes of “Lost.”

2006:  Microsoft Zune

In truth, the Zune is the iPod with more confusing commercials.  While that is an accomplishment in and of itself, it also has the ability to share music with other people.  So long as those people are within WiFi distance (I’m not talking about wire-finger this time).  And those people want the sound waves for 3 days or less.  And the music isn’t infected with sharing-protection DRM.  And assuming you can find another person who actually owns a Zune.  Those people are rarer than unicorns and leprechauns combined.

Calm down.  Seriously, calm down.  You can’t listen to the songs while you’re on the phone, numbnuts.  And your touchscreen is going to have sebum all over it.  Try watching Youtube clips with a thin layer of oil over your screen.