Lex Luthor in Superman Returns

Okay Lex, you’re obviously a clever guy: you’ve broken out of jail countless times, have a brain the size of a goddamn watermelon in that bald noggin of yours and have more money than the Hilton family after a particularly big lottery win.  So why keep chasing the dude in the tight red pants?  The answer is simple.  You want to know if he comes faster than a speeding bullet.  We watched as you had Kal-El bloody and battered at your knees in Superman Returns, stabbing him with a shard of Kryptonite and watching him squirm.  Christ, you might as well have put on a Kryptonite condom and banged him to death.

The Transporter

The character’s creator, Luc Besson, has joked that Jason Statham’s no-nonsense delivery man is indeed batting for Team Homo.  No shit, Luc.  Let’s look at the giveaways, shall we?  He’s impeccably dressed, for one.  Then there’s the fact that he’s seemingly impervious to the lure of an attractive female.  Oh yeah, and let’s not forget the scene in the first Transporter movie where he takes on dozens of guys while covered in motor oil.  With his shirt off.  A fight scene in the sequel saw him wielding a giant fire hose as a deadly weapon.  It might be subtle but I think we might just have figured that for ourselves, thanks. 

Bennett from Commando

Arnold Schwarzenegger – gigantic, gleaming, a bronze god with muscles the size of basketballs and enough balls to take on entire armies without breaking a sweat.  It’s only right that some guys might want to take a slice of Arnie and it’s in Commando where John Matrix meets his ultimate enemy – a big randy Australian with a mustache who wants to bum him to death.  Their final fight is laden with subtle innuendo (“I'm going to shoot you between the balls”) with Bennett enjoying getting to grips with his hulking opponent.  Ultimately, Arnie penetrates Bennett on a giant steam pipe, which thinking about it, is probably how he would have wanted to go.  Heterosexuality for the win! 

Samwise Gamgees from the Lord of the Rings movies

“I’ll follow you to the ends of the Earth, Mr. Frodo!”  That may be the case fatty, but you’re still not slipping your finger in his ring. 

Magneto from the X-Men movies

He might be the master of all things metal, but something tells us it’s not just steel and iron he can bend in two.  Magneto is the proud owner of a big purple helmet, a BFF in the ever-changing form of Mystique (watch them giggle at Rogue’s skunk-like hair – she is such a fag hag) and an evil gang he calls the Brotherhood.  It might as well be called ‘Magneto’s Club For Boys’.  He picked himself up a hot young man in the shape of Pyro and there’s much of his history with bum-chum Charles Xavier we don’t know about – could it be the two shared a torrid affair in the past?  No… no, that’s just too horrid an image to picture.  Perhaps Professor X developed his mind control to block out the pain. 

Maverick from Top Gun

If the Army is the very definition of a man – guns, tanks, explosions and so on – then the U.S. Navy has to be its fruity cousin.  Flying around gigantic penis extensions cannot be considered manly at all - why do you think they call it the cockpit?  Tom Cruise’s flyboy Maverick might look the part – Aviator shades, megawatt grin, Kelly McGillis aching for a bone – but he’s only interested in cooling his balls in Iceman.  Activities for Mav include playing shirtless volleyball, general grab-assing and enjoying rubdowns with the boys.  At the climax of the movie, Iceman tells Maverick he can ride his tail any time.  His response?  “You can ride mine!”  In the words of Quentin Tarantino in Sleep With Me: “Swordfight!  Swordfight!  Fuckin’ A!” 

Jay from the Kevin Smith movies

A classic diversionary tactic for the closet homosexual – talk about pussy, titties and fucking all day long and no one will suspect you’re secretly an amateur trombonist.  Constantly at his side is hetero life-mate Silent Bob, who, let’s face it, is probably Jay’s tubby fucktoy after dark.  Consider the facts: all he ever talks about is sex, but we didn’t see him with a girl until View Askew movie number five, and even then, when Shannon Elizabeth’s perky retard has her ass hauled into jail, Bob is there to comfort him come the closing credits.  Jay, there’s no shame in your choice of lifestyle – we’ve seen the way you handle that bong so lovingly. 

Champ Kind from Anchorman

Part of the Channel 4 Action News Team, sports reporter Champ Kind harbours an unspoken love for big-swinging news dick Ron Burgundy.  Obvious really, for a guy who lists his idea of a good time as “Going to Sea World and maybe taking my pants off.”  It’s Burgundy’s musk that drives Champ wild: just look at the dejection in the poor guy’s face when Ron hooks up with female anchorlady Veronica Corningstone.  In little-seen companion piece Wake Up Ron Burgundy, Champ declares his love for Ron, suggesting the two should “adopt a child together in Vermont” and confessing that he closes his eyes and pictures him when he has sex.  Unfortunately for our cock-hungry cowboy, Ron is a man’s man and gets the girl, meaning Champ never gets the one ‘Whammy!’ he really wants. 

Robin from the Batman movies

Dressed from head-to-toe in restrictive leather and cheap S&M gear, Gotham gimp Robin is forever at his master’s beck and call.  Batman is just that – all man – and gets to drive around in a giant black dildo all day long, scoring with chicks and punching people in the face.  Robin is Batman’s bitch, pure and simple, and longs to explore the deep, dark, moist walls of the Batcave.  We never really know if Bruce Wayne goes in for those sort of backdoor shenanigans (there’s got to be some lonely nights in Wayne Manor) but the way Robin stares at that black suit, nipples and all, it’s clear that he wants to enjoy some dark nights with the Dark Knight.  Holy homosexuality, Batman!