7 Ways to Get Back at Your Lenders Before They Foreclose

All those memories stripped away by the banks and sold to someone else for next-to-nothing. But you don’t have to just walk away, sobbing into your sleeve, not knowing where to go or how you’re going to find debt relief. No, you can hold you head up high as you march out the door of the newly bank-owned cesspool you’ve created.

7. Indoor Pool

Choose a room, preferably a long one, Olympic-sized if possible. Board it up and caulk the hell out of it. The typical Olympic pool will hold 600,000 gallons of water but you should probably save some room for urine. This is one pool where peeing is encouraged.

6. Concrete Shitter

When dumping your last load your toilet, make sure the load is 100% cement. Subac Underwater Cement would be a nice choice. This will tell the lender that you will not take any more crap… and neither will your plumbing.

5. Backyard Demolition Derby

Having one car up on blocks in the yard is a very small problem, but having a field of 12 demolished jalopies taking over the grounds is a problem that’s a bit more complicated. The leaking antifreeze and oil, the smoldering wreckage, and the dislocated bumpers permanently impacted into your rear wall are all issues that are not easily, or simply, cleaned up.

4. Satanist Club Meeting

Oh those wacky Satanists. Given the nature of their club meetings, it can’t be easy for them to find a place where they can draw pentagrams in blood, light a thousand candles, and sacrifice a goat indoors. Not anymore. The smell of death they’ll leave will be a bonus but if you’re really lucky they might even open up a portal to hell in your family room.

3. Craigslist Ad: Free Scrap Metal

Never underestimate the power and speed of metal scrappers. These guys can fully disassemble a vehicle in less than 30 minutes, leaving you with nothing but a set of fuzzy dice, leather seat covers, and a hundred pounds of the other useless crap your Chevy used to house. Think of what they could do to a house… in a day.

2. Petting Zoo

This is the fastest way to coat the inside of a house in several types of feces, aside from inviting a group of lactose intolerant cheese fanatics over for fondue night. Goat, pig, cow, chicken, even Remus the farmhand can add a certain pungent “country flavor” to your abode.

1. Crack Party

Lowering the value of a house and its surrounding area has never been easier than printing hundreds of flyers that advertise a free-crack party. Even if you don’t provide the crack, you’ll inevitably have a messy situation on your hands, and in your house, if a bunch of addicts are playing the Where-The-Crack-Be-At Game all over your house.

With the damage done and the house worth somewhere in the range of negative money per square foot, you can feel good about your job-well-done at getting even, even when you’re out on the streets looking for shelter.

In all seriousness, though, if you’re not a sadistic, hell-bent-on-revenge type of person, you may still be able to salvage your home and your credit. Consider a short sale, a loan modification, or a debt relief program. You’ll deserve an award for the restraint it’ll take to pass up the once-in-a-lifetime chance to pull all the pranks you never had the guts to do.