50 Reasons Why Ron Paul Is Frickin' Awesome

  1. Ron Paul is against gun control because Ron Paul's body is impervious to bullets.
2. Ron Paul was the body double for Julia Roberts' nude scenes in Pretty Woman and for Brad Pitt's fight scenes in Troy.
3. Ron Paul is eight feet tall, tail to snout.
4. Ron Paul can smell government spending.
5. Ron Paul has a great beach house, and you can totally crash there sometime.
6. You can use "Ron Paul" in place of any expletive.  Ex.: "I just Ron Pauled my ex in the Ron Paul, and I had to scrub for hours to get all the Ron Paul off my Ron Paul."
7. Ron Paul's motorcycle is fueled by global warming.
8. Chuck Norris has a list of five people not to fuck with, and they're all Ron Paul.
9. 95% of women polled admitted that they fantasized about Ron Paul during sex.  The other 5% were polled while having sex with Ron Paul.
10. Ron Paul doesn't have a dog.  He has a human who has a dog.
11. Ron Paul eats justice and shits hot vengeance.
12. Ron Paul's natural hair color is "invisible."
13. Ron Paul is technically a sovereign nation.
14. Ron Paul is a blood relative of every U.S. President:  past, present... and future.
15. Ron Paul has had a time machine "for the past seven Earth-years."
16.  Ron Paul was not born, he was discovered in a field of volcanic glass.  Ron Paul has no belly-button.
17.  To call the other Republican candidates "mere shadows of Ron Paul" is only to belittle the accomplishments of Ron Paul's shadow.
18.  Ron Paul eats sushi with his feet.
19.  Beauty and The Beast from "Beauty and the Beast" are both based on Ron Paul.
20.  Ron Paul stabbed a stingray in the heart.
21.  Ron Paul does not believe in a tax on income.  He does, however, believe in a tax on crying.
22.  Ron Paul sneezes pure heroine.
23.  Ron Paul is no longer welcome in Mexico.
24.  Ron Paul's words paint a thousand pictures.
25.  The Beatles were originally going to call themselves the Ron Pauls, but Ron Paul didn't want all that attention... yet.
26.  Ron Paul designed the Chicago sewer system.  To this day, it remains the only sewer system that can speak in complete sentences.
27.  Ron Paul invented the moonwalk in the time he spent on the moon.  He is currently working on the sunwalk.
28.  Ron Paul wears a silver amulet that allows him to part his hair on either side, but he's still waiting for "the perfect moment" to use it.
29.  The '57 Chevy was modeled after Ron Paul's chiseled physique.
30.  Ron Paul was born sixty years ago, but he's only forty-five years old.
31.  Ron Paul isn't a doctor.  He's ten doctors.
32.  Ron Paul's house has a drawbridge.
33.  Ron Paul is so manly, he grows hair on his fingernails.
34.  Ron Paul's socks are made of broken glass.
35.  You know how Chris Kattan suddenly disappeared?  Ron Paul says, "You're welcome."
36.  Ron Paul once thought he had a twenty-year cocaine habit.  Turned out it was anthrax.
37.  Ron Paul can slow-cook a roast with his bare hands.
38.  Ron Paul is only against the war in Iraq until he's allowed to "go settle things Ron Paul-style."  His words.
39.  Ron Paul let Jay-Z have Beyonce.
40.  Ron Paul has a rock garden that actually grows rocks.
41.  When someone tells Ron Paul to "watch your head," Ron Paul does.
42.  It wasn't a straw that broke the camel's back.  It was Ron Paul's fist.  He fucking hates camels.
43.  Ron Paul is so classy, his neck has a built-in ascot.
44.  Ron Paul got a hip replacement just for fun.
45.  Ron Paul actually sweats bullets.
46.  Ron Paul's blood can be used to vaccinate against communism.
47.  Ron Paul has discovered over 300 new uses for George Washington Carver.
48.  Ron Paul considers John Wayne movies to be documentaries.
49.  At sporting events, most people stand during the Star-Spangled Banner.  Ron Paul levitates.
50.  Ron Paul has the unabridged text of the Constitution tattooed on his penis.