Hi-5: 5 Women Who Could Make Us Watch 'The View'

Sarah Silverman

She's gorgeous.  She's hot.  She's cruder than a used tampon in a bowl of fruit punch.  She's Sarah Silverman, and if you haven't seen her show, her movie, or her constant stream of bit-parts (she always plays the bitchy friend/girlfriend), you're missing out on some of the most acerbic wit going.  The fact that she happens to be probably the most attractive stand-up comic of all time (apologies to Woody Allen) doesn't hurt either.  If she was on The View, Barbara Walters wouldn't know what to do with herself.  They'd be talking about Katie Holmes or some banal piece of shit news "story," and Silverman would tie it into some anecdote about going to the beauty parlor to get her ass-hair styled, and -- I swear to you this is exactly what would happen -- Bar-Bar would shit out a lace doily right there on the coffee table.  You know you want to see that.

Shannon Doherty

She just may be the Queen of All Bitches.  So, she's got the mean girl allure even if she's not physically what she once was (still hot though).  I'd want her on The View, though, for the high likelihood that one of her many rivals would one day be a guest, and they'd tear at each other's flesh like buzzards on a fresh kill, and [I imagine] once her foe was flayed to the bone, she'd bay at an imaginary moon, bloody teeth bared horrible and glistening, dripping from her chin and fingernails the gleaming viscera of her punctured, demeaned and skin-stripped foe and she screaming, "At last!  At last the cycle is complete!  The blood feeds me and I feed the blood."  Most shows, though, Doherty would probably sit off to one side, totally aloof from the conversation and doodling cocks on pictures of women she has, in the course of her long and undead life, knocked the fuck out.

Heidi Klum

If Tyra Banks can do a talk show, Heidi Klum can certainly do a fourth or a fifth of one.  After all, the Mrs. Seal is hotter than Tyra, smarter than Tyra, and, in spite of the fact that she's natively German, far more qualified to host a talk show in the English language.  Tyra, if you were wondering, is best qualified to host a talk show in the language of tears, which have no sound, which is something Tyra could learn from.  But I digress:  Klum already hosts a successful show quite competently, but that wouldn't really be the point of her inclusion on The View.  While the other hosts discussed flower pots and gravy boats, Klum would just walk back and forth across the set like she was on a catwalk, and ratings would immediately triple.  Did I mention she'd be perpetually in lingerie?  Because that's important.

Kendra Wilkinson

I know what you're thinking:  The View already has a dumb one.  Bear with me, though:  they have never seen dumb like this.  It's just not plausible.  Yes, the far right chair seems to populate itself with a stream of idiots incapable of contributing to anything save the coming apocalypse, but imagine for a moment if there were two idiots, constantly dueling, constantly drawing glares and sharp rebukes from Barbara Walters and pushing her ever closer to a point of no return.  In short, I want to see Barbara lose it.  I want to watch her eyes change and gloss over and know that her mind is gone and in its place is only hatred.  I want to feel the electricity just before it all happens.  And, finally, I want her to snap necks and enjoy it.  Barbara Walters has had a long and illustrious* career:  she's earned it.

Lisa Donovan a.k.a. LisaNova from YouTube

Sweet and genuine with a mean streak, Lisa Donovan has publicly risen from a status as a totally unknown video editor to YouTube sensation to network TV cast member (MadTV) in less than a year.  She skewers pop-culture with a unique, genial style and would make The View bearable if only for the fact that she acts like a human being rather than the product of a corporate agenda.  We'll see if she can keep that up as her fame grows into the mainstream, but if her past is any indication, she'd be a great addition for her down-to-earthiness and earnest charm.  PS Big boobs. 

*This is the only word you can acceptably use to describe a good career.  It's a scientific fact:  look it up.