Stop the presses! Put down that sandwich! Switch your phone to silent!
There’s big news afoot, and it demands attention!
Mark Hamill is about to win an Oscar.
For Star Wars. His performance in The Last Jedi is just that good.
At least, that’s what JJ Abrams says.
Okay, you can finish your sandwich now. Obviously this news is less than entirely trustworthy.
Apparently, though, this isn’t just a case of the director of The Force Awakens yelling into a microphone in the hopes of building publicity for a movie that we won’t see until December.
This is a case of JJ Abrams doing that, while trying to guilt trip anyone who might disagree. Here’s the quote:
“I think we are all going to be very upset if he does not win an Oscar, and no one more upset than Mark.”
Do you hear that? If Mark Hamill doesn’t win an Oscar this year, he’ll be really upset!
How can you deny him that, you monster?
How, exactly, this will be different to every other year that Hamill hasn’t walked away with an Academy Award, remains to be seen.
Because, let’s face it: this is Star Wars we’re talking about.
It can win Academy Awards for sound design, production, music – all the technical stuff, sure. But even at the height of its artistic legacy, Star Wars has never nabbed an award for Best Actor, or Best Director, or any of those categories that actually matter.
It’s just too silly as a franchise. It’s inherently difficult to take a story about magic space wizards seriously.
What makes Abrams’ comments even less worth listening to, is the fact that this kind of gargabe is spouted by moviemakers on a near weekly basis.
Vin Diesel expects Fast and Furious 8 to win Best Picture this year. Ryan Reynolds thinks Hugh Jackman will get an Oscar for Logan when all he does to mix up his normal Wolverine performance is affect a slight limp and stare off into the middle distance.
There is no chance Mark Hamill will win an Oscar this year, no matter what tripe JJ Abrams is spewing, as he pauses for a second from his regular routine of remaking classic movies and claiming they’re original works.
But there is some good news, Mark Hamill.
Don’t feel too upset—after all, anyone can win an Oscar if they eat enough raw animal flesh, as with Leo DiCaprio, or contort their body into a horrendously uncomfortable position for hours at a time, like Eddie Redmayne.
The Oscars are basically the Hollywood equivalent of the Guinness Book of World Records, cataloguing people who were insane enough to cause themselves significant physical harm for the chance to win a pointless award.
If you want one, you can probably get one—so long as you’re willing to saw off one of your own feet.
If that’s not a price worth paying, do what the rest of us do. Point and laugh at the idiots who were stupid enough to even try winning an Oscar.
It’s just a fancy paperweight, after all. It’s not even made of chocolate.