Okay, let’s see if we can get through this.
So, the Oscars happened last night, and it was every bit as exciting and nonsensical as you’d expect from the world’s most pretentious awards ceremony.
In a shock twist, while La La Land did win a huge collection of tiny golden men (enough for a soccer team with one to spare), the movie didn’t get best picture – despite being announced as the winner.
Way to undermine Moonlight, awards body. Apparently #OscarsSoWhite that even when a movie about a black man wins, they still give the trophy to the movie starring the translucent Emma Stone.
But that’s not what we’re here to debate today.
Oh no. While the Best Picture controversy is certainly grabbing the headlines, there’s one big travesty that’s going to be ignored by most commenters.
That movie won an Academy Award. It’s an Oscar-winning movie. It’s incredible.
Now, it didn’t get Best Picture, or Best Adapted Screenplay or Best Director or anything – although seeing David Ayer and the guys from Trailer Park squabble over a Best Director Oscar would be the funniest thing in the history of cinema.
But even though its award was more technical, you have to wonder – were the awards body all high when they cast votes for Suicide Squad to win Best Hair and Makeup? Or was this a Brexit situation, where most people thought they were voting for an elaborate joke.
Just so that we’re clear, this character design won an Oscar:
The “Damaged” tattoo that was mocked so mercilessly when it was first revealed eventually went on to nab an Oscar.
Sure, the movie’s only real competition was Star Trek Beyond (there were literally only three movies nominated in the category, and the other one was foreign so nobody saw it), but come on! At least Star Trek had cool alien makeup stuff!
Besides, if anyone deserves to win an award for hair in a movie, it’s whoever holds the straight edge while they’re trimming Zachary Quinto’s bowl cut!
Now, I’ve not exactly been shy in my condemnation of Suicide Squad in the past. I’ve labelled it as the clickbait of blockbuster movies – all flashy, controversial spectacle, but no actual substance.
I’ve also compared it to the Trump election campaign, and again, I feel the similarities here are uncanny – it turns out that the trick to getting the attention of any group of voters is simply to be so loud, obnoxious, and disgusting, that you ingrain yourself on the brains of people who are holding ballot papers.
Because, let’s face it – makeup is like editing. It’s only noticed if you do a really bad job, and as such, the truly stellar makeup jobs in movies will always go unrewarded.
Someone, for example, had to de-wrinkle George Clooney in Hail Caeser.
Someone had to make sure Michael Keaton didn’t look nauseous while filming near McDonald’s burgers in The Founder, even though, let’s face it, he was probably a sickly shade of green for the entire shoot.
And, of course, someone had to make Ryan Reynolds’ face reflect his soul by turning him into a craggy ballsack man.
But no, the Oscar goes to a “damaged” Jared Leto face. Because, as with everything else about this movie, it’s so obnoxious that you can’t stop thinking about it.