Last week we heard that the miniscule, ageless Barbie doll impersonator Nicole Kidman was up for the role of Arthur Curry’s mother in the upcoming Aquaman movie.
We all scratched our heads as we tried to imaging Kidman as the mother to the enormous Polynesian mountain of a man that is Jason Momoa.
It’s hard to imagine any mortals siring the perfectly sculpted Adonis—instead, it would make more sense to assume that Momoa came to life when a bolt of lightning sheered a chunk of rock from the top of a volcano.
Apparently, though, the DCEU will instead offer up the implausible explanation that Momoa’s Aquaman at one point exited the womb of a tiny alabaster woman who is only twelve years older than him.
Sure, it’s unbelievable that Kidman could be Momoa’s mother, but hey, this is the DCEU, a franchise that’s built on suspension of disbelief. Audiences are already very familiar with abandoning logic on the way into the theater, as they convince themselves that a man can fly, or that Batman v Superman is an enjoyable experience.
But with Kidman cast (so long as she actually wants the role, and she couldn’t be blamed for rejecting it), who could convincingly play Curry’s father? What modern Hollywood star would adequately round out the Aquaman mythos?
How about Jango Fett?
Yeah, that’d work.
Currently, Temuera Morrison, who is best known among Star Wars prequel apologists as the face of Jango Fett, Boba Fett, Commander Cody, and approximately a bazillion other identical Mandalorian clones, is in talks to join Aquaman as Arthur Curry’s father.
Morrison is an impressive actor, and someone who’s proven capable of playing badass characters even within a terrible movie. Let’s be honest, enduring a prequel Star Wars movie with even a shred of dignity intact is ample proof that an actor can handle every little slice of green screen work you can throw at them.
We’re not sure yet what version of the Aquaman origin mythos we’ll be getting in this movie, but a good bet is that we won’t see the Silver Age comic book storyline where the King and Queen of Atlantis abandon their new child because he is too blond (that’s literally one of the early origin stories for Aquaman).
Instead, we’ll likely get the New 52 origin, in which Queen Atlanna shacks up with a surface-dwelling human. This would make for an interesting story, with Arthur Curry torn between his ties to the land and to the sea.
Except, wait a second.
Temuera Morrison. In a movie that’s set primarily at sea.
Willem Dafoe is in Aquaman too, isn’t he?
Damn it. Just when we all thought the DCEU couldn’t get any worse, they announce plans to remake Speed 2: Cruise Control.