Try as I might, I can’t really get used to Alden Ehrenreich’s face.
It’s not that he doesn’t look like Harrison Ford—although, obviously, he doesn’t. Sadly, not enough men on this planet look like everyone’s favorite finger-wagging grump, although, considering that I’m not exactly an Indiana Jones type myself, I should probably be thankful that there aren’t more dangerously handsome ladies’ men wandering the Earth.
No, the problem with Alden Ehrenreich isn’t just that he doesn’t look like Han Solo. It’s also that he’s just sort of uncomfortable to look at.
Is it his chin? His unusually square head? It’s difficult to be certain. Something, though, makes him just look a little unsettling.
This doesn’t tend to hold actors back in many cases—let’s face it, Benedict Cumberbatch has built his entire career around looking just slightly unnerving.
Ehrenreich’s face, though, is not really one that you’re used to seeing sitting next to Chewbacca at the controls of the Millennium Falcon.
Yet here we are, with a cast photo for the upcoming Han Solo movie in which Ehrenreich tries his best to make kinky love to the camera using only his eyebrows, while Woody Harrelson contemplates reaching over just a little and crushing Chris Miller’s windpipe.
In fact, a closer look at this photo shows more than a few tensions rising between cast members and directors for Han Solo. Donald Glover has the look of someone who’s been kidnapped and is silently begging for the sweet release of death, while Phil Lord is daring him to make a run for it, on pain of getting another leg sawn off.
Emilia Clarke’s looking happy, but then, she’s a talented actor, and the closest one to the door. She might be overestimating her chances, though, as Joonas Suotamo looks like he’s one wrong move away from showing why it’s not wise to upset a Wookie.
Then there’s Phoebe Waller-Bridge, popping her head out right at the back of the group, who’s just really thrilled to be included, and who has decided to ignore all the simmering hostility within the group in the hopes that this Star Wars thing might just be her ticket out of her dead-end job as a showrunner for an Amazon Prime original series.
Essentially, the expressions shown in this photo likely match up pretty well with what’ll be appearing on all our faces when we see the finished movie.
Some of us, like Emilia Clarke and Phoebe Waller-Bridge, will have a grand time, because it’s Star Wars, and what’s not to love?
Others will feel trapped, like we want to bolt for the door but we’re all too aware that Disney is holding our childhood—and our ability to discuss popular culture with our friends—ransom.
Then there’ll be those of us who, like Chewie and Woody, are simmering with impotent rage the entire time, still furious that Lucasfilm have even made such a movie in the first place.
Meanwhile, in the middle of it all, there’ll be Alden Ehrenreich, looking like Jack Nicholson if he were stretched to the wrong aspect ratio.
This movie’s going to be great, you guys. 5/5, guaranteed.