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G.I. Joe 3 Would Have Featured Transformers Because Who Fucking Cares Anymore?

A while back we told you about how Hasbro was planning to start a shared cinematic universe with some of their various properties. Well, it looks like they had planned to do this kind of thing once before, but decided not to go through with it because, gasp, they hadn't thought it through. 

Director D.J. Caruso—whose xXx: The Return of Xander Cage is in theaters this weekend—was once attached to direct a third G.I. Joe film, which would have brought their franchise into the same universe as the Transformers franchise. While speaking with Collider, Caruso said that while he was ready to do it, the studio clearly had apprehensions...

“Well yeah but they’re not ready to do [G.I. Joe meets Transformers] yet. That’s exactly what they should do but they’re not ready to do that because in fact the script that I was developing, the two worlds sort of collided at the end and when they read it they were like, ‘We’re not ready to do this yet.’… They will eventually collide those two worlds and it’s probably when Mr. Bay decides he’s done with Transformers.”

So, once Bay stops making his Transformers movies, all bets are off and Hasbro's gonna just start jamming them into G.I. Joe movies? But why stop there, Hasbro? Why not include some of your other licenses in these movies too? I mean just looking at what I've got to choose from...

Why not have Frozen in the next G.I. Joe movie? "Oh no, The Rock or Bruce Willis or probably some lower tier replacement! It's Frozen!" And then Frozen comes out of the woods and she's singing "Let it Go" and they shoot her in the fucking head. 

Or what about the G.I. Joes have to cook all of their meals in an Easy Bake oven. What are some of the other licenses Hasbro owns?

Holy shit, G.I. Joe v Hungry, Hungry Hippos? Now you've got yourself a fucking movie worth watching. 

If that's too technically demanding, maybe all the G.I. Joe weapons are made by Nerf or something. Like I said, no one cares.

One more batch of licenses to get through...

Well, the obvious answer from this batch is to make G.I. Joe: Trivial Pursuit, and we all just sit down and talk about science and geography and pop culture for two hours. 

Hell, I'd settle for G.I. Joe and the gang heading down to Sesame Street and sniffing out some predatory puppeteers. Sign me up.

The point of all this is, just because you own a certain license doesn't mean that you need to start inserting them into other properties. Remember Star Wars Transformers? Neither does anyone else because they fucking sucked. 

Pump the brakes, Hasbro. Your board game movies have all been garbage. Your My Little Pony movie is probably headed in the same direction. You guys need an unqualified hit before you can begin experimenting. Sure, your Transformers movies make a lot of money, but they're all terrible. Every. Last. One of them.

Remember Hasbro, just because you can, doesn't mean you should...


Steve attanasie

Steve Attanasie

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