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Future Dispatches of Movie Merchandise From Hell: 'Kong: Skull Island'

As a kid, I grew up playing with toys from some of my favorite movies like Star Wars, Star Trek, and many more, but more movies used to have action figure lines. Nowadays it's just a handful of properties dominating the shelves, likely due to the fact that the big toy companies don't like taking risks. Unless a film lands a merchandising deal with Hasbro, Mattel, Playmates, or one of the other heavy hitters, it's basically dead in the water.

That's why I'm reviving Movie Merchandise from Hell this week to look at the just released pictures of the toy line that's going to accompany this March's release of Kong: Skull Island.

As we learned from looking at the toys released for Congo, big monkey toys have a rather ignominious history in plastic. Apart from McFarlane Toys' simply amazing 1933-style King Kong diorama, there hasn't been a decent toy line for the king of the Apes, and it looks like we're not gonna start anytime soon.

Peter Jackson's 2005 effort had some terrifically shitty toys...


But they pale in comparison to how awful these toys—made twelve god damned years later—look...


So Kong himself doesn't look so bad, but what the actual fuck is going on with that guy who comes with the King? If, like me, you think that he looks like one of those dollar store knockoff action figures, you're on the right track. These toys come to us courtesy of Lanard Toys, who created The Corps!, a line of military themed figures and vehicles sold exclusively at Wal-Mart...


And the more figures and vehicles you look at in this line, the more apparent it becomes that these are just crude repaints of figures they've already released...


The creatures are cool looking, but I'm so distracted by how cheap the human figures are that it totally drains any interest I might have in the creatures and monsters lurking about. The cast includes Tom Hiddleston and Samuel L. Jackson, whose work with Marvel has yielded them a bunch of action figures in the past, not to mention Brie Larson, John Goodman, and John C. Reilly. Where's my motherfucking John C. Reilly figure, stupid toy company?


Pictures via Idle Hands

Steve attanasie

Steve Attanasie

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