Whelp. That didn’t take long, did it?
We all knew we’d end up here eventually. Lucasfilm’s special effects wizards have a long and distinguished history of perverting the laws of nature for their own sick amusement.
Pulling a Tarkin in order to resurrect Peter Cushing was only the tip of the iceberg from the studio that willingly, and indeed happily, used technical computer know-how to irrevocably desecrate one of the most beloved pieces of cinematic history by making Greedo shoot first.
(Yes, it is a big deal, and no, I’m not going to retire my “Han Shot First” t-shirt!)
Then, ILM gave us Jar Jar Binks and Backflip Yoda. Then, bizarrely, they gave us Backflip Ian McDiarmid, a computer generated model of a real man that is forced to contort itself and dance in the air for our own amusement.
Which, of course, led them nicely to do the same thing with Peter Cushing’s eyebrows. All of this, bringing us closer to the dystopian future of which George Lucas has always dreamed, in which humans of all walks of life are entirely replaced by synthetic copies of themselves, or Ewoks.
I like to think that in Lucas’ perfect world, we get to choose for ourselves whether we get turned into Tarkin puppets or Ewoks, and I’m definitely going for the option that lets me consume human flesh. Whichever one that will be.
Now, after waiting just long enough for Carrie Fisher’s passing to technically be last year, Disney have approached the Fisher Estate with a tempting offer; they want to buy her face.
They don’t want all of Carrie Fisher. They’re perfectly welcome to use someone else’s body – they won’t even limit themselves to realistic human proportions if they don’t need to.
Here’s an unrelated comic book panel which supposedly features Carrie’s likeness.
Is it just me, or does it look like this artist has never actually seen a photo of Carrie Fisher?
Or, indeed, a woman?
Yet despite this being an absolutely ridiculous portrayal of the female form, the kind of which Carrie routinely mocked and vocally opposed during her lifetime, Lucasfilm is seeking permission to do this to Princess Leia, in perpetuity, until all the stars burn out and the universe dies.
Will Fisher’s family approve to this treatment? Probably. Disney money has served Fisher’s estate well in the past, so there’s no reason to start rejecting it now.
And so, ILM will go to work. They’ll build state of the art facsimiles of General Organa, keeping her appearance as close to that of her Episode VIII self as possible. Then they’ll glue her face onto the body of another, more expendable woman, and boom! Science has perverted nature yet again, and it’s perfectly legal.
I’m reminded of the words of Weird Al Yankovic’s Yoda:
“A long term contract I have signed, says I’ll be making these movies ‘til the day I die.”
As it turns out, this song was far too optimistic about when the cast of the original Star Wars would be set free from their unholy shackles.
Play us out, Al.