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Late To The Game: Brandy Plays Mass Effect

I'm weird about video games. When I find one I love, I'll do several play-throughs and obsess about it (I *may* have written some terrible fan fiction about elf/Qunari sex once or twice), but I don't play a lot of them.

I avoided Mass Effect for the longest time, even though I love both RPGs and BioWare, partly because I was a PlayStation girl and partly because I don't like shooters. I hate using guns in games. The violence isn't as visceral for me as beating a dragon to death with a comically oversized mallet, or running through a wrath demon with a sword, or tearing off a gorgon's head with my bare hands, or punching Hercules into godmeat with his own gauntlets. Shooting someone just always felt like a very unsatisfying way to kill them. So no Mass Effect for me.

But then my boyfriend, who brought several consoles into our home when he moved in (pro tip folks: always shack up with someone whose video game library is more impressive than your own), insisted I play. And with the new Mass Effect game coming soon, I figured it was definitely time I gave it a try.

GODDAMN, SON. I FUCKING LOVE MASS EFFECT. HOW DID I SLEEP ON THIS FOR SO LONG?

Underneath, in real time, are the notes I made as I was playing the first few hours of the game. If you enjoy, I'll do more of these.

-My character is SUCH A BITCH.  I killed a bunch of dudes on some planet! 
I'm being the biggest asshole to Nihilus. I don't trust him.
 
-OH NO NIHILUS DIED
 
-I DON'T LIKE THIS OTHER GUY
 
-Dick Saren. I hope I get to disembowel Saren. He's the worst
 
-I don't trust the council. They sound like a shady organization. I'm gonna go as rogue as I can.
 
-I picked the ruthless thingy. I don't give a fuck who diesRUTHLESS (metal hands emoji)
 
-Is Joker Seth Green? He sounds like Seth Green.
 
-IT IS SETH GREEN! This is the best.
 
-MY SHIP HAS OZ!!!
 
-I'm so excited about this development. I hope he gives me a witch Pez like Oz gave Willow. That would be neat
 
-Kaidan looks like someone punched Superman Henry Cavill in the face a few times.
 
-I'm cold AF

-AUGH. EVERYONE'S TEETH ARE SO WEIRD. Whoever animated the teeth should be fired
 
-Can I romance the doctor? I want to romance the doctor. She's hot in an old lady kind of way. And I'm getting serious power lesbo vibes from her.
 
-Oh good.  I looked it up, I can.  I wanted to know if I could get into her pants before I wasted my time being nice to her
 
 -HAHA HATCHETFACE SUPERMAN HAS GARBAGE BIOTIC IMPLANTS. FUCK YOU HATCHETFACE SUPERMAN YOU'RE BARGAIN BASEMENT GARBAGE AND I'M BETTER THAN YOUUUU
 
-This game is making me racist against CG aliens
 
-Also, Ambassador Udina reminds me of old William Shatner but less fat and he doesn't take as many pauses between words

-OH SHIT UDINA JUST TOLD ME TO SETTLE DOWN. AND HE TALKED DOWN TO ME. IT IS ONNNN MOTHERFUCKER DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I'M THE PROTAGONIST BITCH
 
-...I can't shoot Udina. The game won't let me. This is disappointing. Maybe I can shoot him later.
 
-How do you punch somebody? I would like to try to punch him
 
-UPDATE: I cannot punch.  I do not have a punch button.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS GAME THOUGH.
 
-OMG CAN I GET A PET XELTAN?!? He's so cute! He's like an ugly elephant with an eeyore voice!
 
-HE HAS CTHULHU FACE! It's adorably horrifying! I want one.
 
-I'm going to start saying "strained greeting, Human, this is really not a good time." To everyone when they say hi to me.
 
-OMG WHY CAN'T I JUST BE XELTAN. He's the best character so far.
 
-...would it be weird if I romanced Xeltan? For science.
 
-The elcor are the best race ever. Cthulhu Eeyores!
 
-This Din Korlack guy is a dickbag. DON'T YOU TAKE THAT SNIDE TONE WITH ME, TINY ROBOT SPACE WALRUS. I WILL SHOOT YOU WITH MY GUN.
 
-I cannot shoot the snide tiny space walrus with my gun. It will not let me. I also tried throwing a grenade at him. This was also unsuccessful
 
-AUGH WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING
 
-I DO NOT LIKE THIS THING
 
-It's like a spider had unholy sex with a rattlesnake! In any other game, you would nuke this leggy bastard from orbit
 
-Ugh. If you kill the spidersnakes you Go to jail
 
-"Just passing through" my ass. They're biding their time until they can eat all the people.
 
-I'M ONTO YOU, NIGHTMARE HACKER DUDES.
 
-THE RACHNI WERE A HIGHLY INTELLIGENT AND AGGRESSIVE INSECT SPECIES AND YOU JUST LET THE SNAKE BUGS WHO DON'T TALK TO ANYONE WORK ON YOUR CITADEL COMPUTER SYSTEMS? The council is stupid.
 
-I THINK I JUST FOUND AN ALIEN WHOREHOUSE. SCORE.
 
-I HAVE TO WAIT FOUR MONTHS FOR SEXY RUMPUS? THIS IS BULLSHIT. I'M THE PROTAGONIST
 
-And that stupid hologram just wants to talk about the Krogan and the Rathtar wars. No craigslist personals option
 
-OH SHIT THE CONSORT JUST SENT FOR ME
 
-BOW CHICKA BOW BOWWWW
 
-There is a serious lack of loot in this whorehouse
 
-Ugh. And my team followed me into the room with the consort. QUICK COCKBLOCKING ME, UGGO HENRY CAVILL
 
-AWW. SHE DOESNT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME. She just wants me to tell some Fuckboy with an axe to grind to stop besmirching her honor. Fuck your, lady. Not my circus, not my monkeys. No intergalactic space nookie= not interested in helping you.
 
-WTF SAREN STILL GETS TO BE A SPECTRE? LOOK AT THE GUY. HES CLEARLY EVIL!!! HE HAS RESTING EVIL FACE! *flips table*
 
 -I love Captain Anderson. They should make a Mass Effect movie and Chiwitel Ejofior should play him. And I want to be in the Xeltan suit! I would go around saying "enthusiastic greetings human"
 
-I want to be a Spectre. But like, in real life.  I WOULD ANSWER TO NOBODY
 
-I think I should quit my job and become a shadow operative. I would be Avery good shadow operative. And then I get to kill bitches!
 
-OH SHIT I'M GONNA HELP A DUDE INVESTIGATE THE CREEPY KEEPER DUDES. FUCK YOU SNAKEBUGS I AM ONTO YOUR SHIT NOWWWWWW.
 
-OMG THIS GAME HAS A STRIP CLUUUUUBBBB GONNA GET A LAP DANNNNCE.
 
-A bunch of assassin dudes just tried to kill me at the strip club. Fucking rude. These ladies are just doing their thing taking their kit off and you go shooting up the place? THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS
 
-UPDATE: I killed those fuckers.
 
-OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG. I CAN *ACTUALLY* GET A LAP DANCE!!!!!!!
 
-This is AMAZING.
 
-I'm just going to spend the rest of the game in here.
 
 -...She's not a very good dancer
 
-On a scale of me to ten, she dances like meJerkily and with little rhythm and too much hip.
 
-IMPORTANT UPDATE: I just told off General Fuckboy. Dude needs a fedora that will fit his cone shaped head. He's awful.
 
-GENERAL FUCKBOY MESSED WITH MY BOY XELTAN!!
 
-I really wish you could punch people in the face in this game. General Fuckboy is in dire need of a face punch. Try to kill me, cool, but nobody and I mean NOBODY fucks with my favorite Elcor diplomat!!!
  -Anyway, job well done. Back to the stripper!
 
 -She goth dances like a pro
 
 -....I'm going to fucking murder this smarmy fuck. I'm going to feed him to the snakebugs
 
 -This guy is THE WORST
 
-I. Hate. This. Guy.
 
-This strip club has so many bare butts
 
-BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS
 
-Back to the whorehouse. I hope I get rewarded with sexy rumpus
 
-AWWWW YEAH
 
-HERE IT COMES
 
-YEAH SHE DOES
 
-WORDS? YOU GIVE ME WOOORDS?
 
-MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY, BRANDY LOOKING AVATAR. THAT'S IT???!?
 
-I SAID THAT'S IT AND SHE BANGED METhat's more like it!
 
-Fortune favors the woman who don't take no words as payment when sexy rumpus is on the table
 
-Oh good. The shopkeeper is a land jellyfish.
 
-And it talks about itself in gender neutral 3rd person.
 
-TIL land jellyfish are social justice warriors
 
-I'm actually giggling so hard at the way this space jellyfish talks about itself
 
-OMG THE SPACE JELLYFISH ARE RELIGIOUS NUTS


Damned right you need a permit to sell me your weird space jellyfish version of a Watchtower, you nut
 
-AW FUCK I ACCIDENTALLY HELPED HIM
 
-GODDAMMIT I GAVE HIM MONEY
 
-Sonofabitch
 
-I HELPED OUT XELTAN!!!
 
-I feel good about myself now.
 
-He's literally the only person in the game I've been purposefully nice to so far.  I'm a raging dickbag to everyone else but THAT ELCOR IS MY BOY YO
 
-UGH SHUT UP SPACE WALRUS YOU RUIN EVERYTHING
 
-I'm officially racist against the space walruses. All of them are whiny little bitches

-Just met a dude named Conrad Verner. 80s action movies tell me he's a bad dude without even opening the dialogue.
 
-AND he's a stalker.
 
-I told him off and now he's mad. Probably gonna go do terrorist shit.

 

Want more of this?  Let me know in the comments.


Brandy dawley

Brandy Dawley

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