Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for Stan Lee: action hero.
The primary creative force behind Marvel’s impressive output of spandex-wearing superpowered freaks, Smilin’ Stan The Man Lee has made no secret of his desire to be a movie star. Aside from his longrunning career as a scene-stealing extra, Lee has commented in the past about desiring to play characters such as J Jonah Jameson and Odin on the big screen.
Now, though, Lee has decided to cut out the middleman. He can’t wait around for Hollywood to recognize his clear genius! He should simply hire a bunch of people to tell his life’s story the way it was always meant to be told: a 1970s period action film!
Fox, the studio behind such blockbuster hits as X-Men: The Last Stand and Fant4stic, believes wholeheartedly in Stan Lee’s vision. His autobiographical account of the time he was a sexy superspy is pure box office gold!
Oh yeah, that’s the other thing. The film, which, remember, is based on the life of a real person, is said to draw inspiration from Kingsman: The Secret Service, and Roger Moore era James Bond movies.
So, to recap: Fox is making a movie about Stan Lee’s life in the 1970s, except it’s an action adventure movie where he runs around seducing women as a “dapper hero who quip[s] one-liners”.
Well, fair enough.
Just one quick question, though, Fox:
Have you all gone completely insane?!
Leaving aside the fact that Stan Lee’s version of his personal history is embellished to say the least, it’s pretty clear that the creator of Spider-Man has spent absolutely no time whatsoever engaging in gunfights with supervillains. At least, not outside of his own overactive imagination.
Considering that Lee was also 40 years old and happily married throughout the 70s, and had one of the most terrifying mustaches in the universe glued onto his top lip, it’s difficult to see him as any kind of suave lothario.
Seriously, Fox, you still own the movie rights to the X-Men. You’ve still got the Fantastic Four as well, and just because you’re not sure what to do with either of these franchises, it doesn’t mean you should be trying to build a new comic book movie universe around Stan Lee’s Bullpen Bits.
It’s pretty clear to see the chain of thought that got us to this point.
Audiences love superhero movies, right? And the more recognizable the hero, the more money the movie will make? Batman v Superman is terrible, but it did great during its first week at the box office because of brand appeal!
So why not take the one untapped comic book brand in Hollywood, and turn that into a movie? After all, at this point, Stan Lee is almost as recognizable as his own fictional characters! Every cameo Stan the Man has in MCU movies just serves as more product placement for his own new movie series!
With wily movie executive thinking like this, be warned: it’s only a matter of time before we get a trailer for Marvel Logo: The Movie.
A hundred and twenty minutes of comic book pages flashing past on a red background.
It’ll be glorious.