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Jared Leto, The Cheagan Neanderthal Who's Fond of Rock Climbing Metaphors


It's hardly a secret that no one's a bigger fan of Jared Leto than Leto himself, and if you weren't convinced of that before, allow me to point you in the direction of this absolutely bonkers interview he did with Rolling Stone. There's nothing in this world quite as officious as a self-satisfied actor, but the levels of smugness radiating off of Leto are enough to choke a team of Clydesdales. Here are some of the highlights from his interview, which was apparently done while he and interviewer Brian Hiatt were rock-climbing.

He's a Big Champion of Nepal, Despite Never Having Been There


Every actor has a pet cause. Whether it's Darfur, illiteracy, or AIDS, there's something about making the world a better place that gives celebrities a chance to give back. Leave it to Jared Leto, however, to take the very notion of having a cause and make it utterly meaningless. He apparently owns several "Nepal, I Love You" t-shirts and touts the country's post-earthquake efforts as a pet cause, "though he's never had a chance to go there." 

Pump the brakes. Read that again. He supports the people of Nepal by wearing t-shirts that say "Nepal, I Love You," but he apparently doesn't love the country enough to bother paying it a visit in the 15 months since the earthquake. What the actual fuck? He's basically Aldous Snow from Forgetting Sarah Marshall, only without all the jokes...


He Defines Himself as a "Cheagan"


What's a "cheagan" you ask? Why it's something he just made the fuck up, of course! Just kidding, it's a portmanteau for "cheating vegan," because let's face it, it's hard being a vegan when everyone's mom is trying to give you cookies or you're surrounded by wild salmon in Alaska. "I don't eat meat ever. But if someone's mom made a cookie and handed it to me, I'd probably take a bite, or if I'm in Alaska and there's wild salmon out of the river, I'd probably eat it." Who wouldn't Jared? Oh, that's right, a vegan, that's who. 


A Genetic Test Revealed He's a Neanderthal


Hiatt devotes a lot of ink to fawning over Leto's rock climbing prowess, and the actor even offers up an explanation for why he's so damn good at it, as revealed to him by a genetic test he recently took; "I have a lot of Neanderthal in me," he says. "Maybe that's why I'm so good at climbing." Perhaps that's also why he uses so many rock-climbing metaphors, as well. Oh, what's that? You didn't know that about Jared Leto? Yeah, he uses rock-climbing metaphors. A lot. So much so that it prompted Hiatt to write the line "Leto is fond of rock-climbing metaphors." 


Nobody Fucks with The Joker


Still operating under the delusion that he's some sort of hard-ass, Leto graced the interviewer with this startling non sequitur... "If the Joker did this interview, he'd definitely castrate you and make you eat your own testicles. Just for fun. That's if he liked you." I'm surprised he didn't follow that up with "This shocks you! It shocks you to see what's buried beneath you stupid motherfuckers." Bonus points to anyone who knows what that's a reference to without clicking the link. I'm impressed. 

What I'm not impressed by, however, is an actor who buys into his own hype. Actors are inherently narcissistic human beings, but the really good ones know how to separate that from themselves and only use it when necessary. Leto seems to get off on it. He's confrontational in a very safe and sanitary way, likely because he's so pretty. One of my best friends in the world is also an extremely attractive man—and bears more than a passing resemblance to Leto—who thrives on shocking people because they're not expecting it from such a pretty boy. This is the same thing Leto does, only my friend Andrew has grown out of this behavior because he's a fucking adult and has started acting like one. That would be the performance of a lifetime if Leto could pull off the same thing. 


He's Moving into a Secret Air Force Base


Like a character out of Chris Smith's brilliant documentary Home Movie, Leto recently purchased a former secret Air Force base in Los Angeles that he plans to live in. "It's the poor man's Playboy Mansion. It's unconventional," says Leto. "But I think when I'm done with it, it's going to be pretty homey. Well, it's not going to be someone's grandmother's house, but it will be a fun place to live. It's like a giant playground."

There's some great stuff in there too, the kind of stuff you want lying around when a guy from Rolling Stone comes to interview you. "Nearby is a toddler's tricycle, and a wooden chair covered in what looks like blood — he insists that these were here when he bought the place." What else? How about a guillotine? Does that do anything for you? "...leaning against a wall are framed comic-book images of the character, plus photos of Bruce Lee and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Nearby, there is an actual guillotine, 'for people who misbehave.'"


He Romanticizes the Notion of Being a Deadbeat Dad


Perhaps the most offensive thing in the entire article comes near the end, when he's talking about his personal life. He tells Hiatt that he doesn't necessarily want kids, but he thinks it would be awesome to discover that he secretly fathered a child at some point. "You never know," he says. "Someone could always come up to a show and give me a little surprise visit. 'Dad?' In a way, that would be kind of fucking beautiful." He seems almost wistful as he ponders a surprise visit from this theoretical child. "What an incredible surprise that would be!"


If this person does exist, I hope they show up with a bill for unpaid child support. I can't even with this guy...

Steve attanasie

Steve Attanasie

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