In pitch meeting, we take Hollywood's worst ideas and turn them into solid gold. This week, we're looking at Mel Gibson's 2004 masterpiece of modern gore The Passion of the Christ, which is getting a follow-up film according to Coming Soon (link below). Brandy and I are going to pitch our ideal sequel to The Passion of the Christ, and you can weigh in on which pitch you want to see get turned into a film in the comments section below!
The Passion II: War of the Christ
STEVE: Fans of the first film are coming into this flick expecting a bloodbath in the streets and that's exactly what The Passion II: War of the Christ brings us. People love sequels that are the same but different, and what better way to be the same but different than to have Jesus (a suitably roided out Jim Caviezel) lining the streets with the corpses of the Romans who did him wrong. People are tired of this benevolent Jesus shit, they want a Jesus willing to stand his ground, shoot first, and ask questions later.
Sample Scene: Pontius Pilate (Gerard Depardieu) looks down from his balcony and sees Jesus and Judas (Dolph Lundgren), armed to the teeth and blazing a trail to his doorway. Pilate runs inside and grabs Mary Magdalene (Monica Bellucci). He holds a knife to her throat just as Jesus and Judas get to the top floor of Pilate's palace.
Pilate: Not so fast, Jesus. I've got your special lady, here.
Jesus: Mary, you doing okay?
Mary: I'm very scared, Jesus.
Jesus: I know you are, Mary, but it's important that you listen to me...
Pilate: Enough of this charade! I grow weary of all these teary goodbyes! Time to die!
Jesus: (Aside) Judas, you got a clear shot?
Judas: You know it, good buddy.
Jesus: On my cue...
Jesus opens his arms and a heavenly host of angels swarm into the room. Judas readies his knife but ends up accidentally hanging himself again. The angels surround Mary and fly her to safety. Alone in the room, Jesus walks slowly toward a crumpled Pilate.
Pilate: Are you happy now? Is this what you wanted!
Jesus: Not quite.
Jesus' hand begins to glow red. He reaches toward Pilate's chest
Pilate: Om Namha Shivaye, Om Namha Shivaye, Om Namha Shivaye...
Jesus reaches into Pilate's chest and procures Pilate's heart, showing it to him before Pilate crumples to the floor, dead.
Jesus: Come on Pilate, have a heart!
What do you think, Brandy? Has this idea got legs or you got something better?
BRANDY: You've got something there, Steve, but I think I have something better:
Passion of the Christ 2: SuperJesus Rising
BRANDY: Steve, you and I have said we both want a movie of superpowered Michael Fassbender fucking up shit. I like the idea of Jesus getting violent, but this time, I want him to come back—the second coming, as it were—and just take out everyone that is doing dumb shit in his name. Co-starring Alan Cumming as God, a reluctant Jesus is forced down to Heaven by his father to keep humanity from destroying itself and flooding the gates of heaven and hell. Jesus attempts to use peace and logic to talk sense into people, but after being misunderstood and branded a crazy SJW before being arrested for terrorism in a divine intervention gone wrong, Jesus goes, "not this fucking shit again", and starts using his god-given powers to fuck everything up.
Montage scene. Music playing overtop: Kumbayah. First scene: Jesus waving his hand and turning the Westboro baptist church into rainbows. When the congregation comes out to protest, Jesus waves his hands and their protest signs come to life and start sodomizing the parishioners. He snaps his fingers, and ends up in another location, where a bunch of Christians are harassing women getting abortions. He looks at them, and we see explosions coming from the genitals of every anti-abortion activist. He then snaps his fingers and flies above a bunch of Christians attempting to bomb a mosque and waves his hand. The bombs are suddenly magically in their stomach. BOOM. He manages to interrupt every show in North America to simulcast a shot of the leaders of the Republican party, their house magically turned to glass, doing coke and trying to lure a young boy over via the internet. He rescues the boy and hands a bunch of stones to the group of very upset onlookers who have gathered, who then start to throw them at the house, shattering the glass. Cut to him in front of the Vatican, walking away badass-edly as it explodes behind him like in Backdraft. The music stops. Alan Cumming appears in front of him.
Alan Cumming-God: GODDAMMIT JESUS WE TALKED ABOUT THIS! NOT THE VATICAN!
Jesus: Don't take your name in vain, Dad. *Jesus pushes him out of the way, starts singing "kumbayah" under his breath as explosions continue behind him*
...Wow. Did I just write a Michael Bay film, Steve?
STEVE: I think so, they're surprisingly easy to churn out. How about it, folks? Which pitch do you want to see get turned into a Passion of the Christ sequel?