So I was at breakfast this morning, and my toast was filled with so many holes it could have been the plot of a Michael Bay movie. So that got me thinking: if famous directors made toast in the style of their films, how would the toast turn out? (Yes, these are the types of things that I let occupy space in my brain. This, and what it would be like to hear James Spader dirty talk as Ultron while dressed in a hot pink fun fur gimp suit, but we don't need to get into my weird sex fantasies, this is a SFW blog.) So without further ado, this is how I think 11 popular directors would make toast...
1. Zack Snyder Burns His Toast
I feel like this toast is the perfect metaphor for a Zack Snyder film. Zack Snyder's toast is burnt—dark, coarse, gritty, and wholly unenjoyable. The correct steps were taken to make the toast, but taken too far.
2. Joss Whedon Made Perfect Toast, But Then He Ate It
It was beautiful. Probably the most delicious toast you could have eaten. But just before you took your first bite, Joss tore the toast from your hands and ate it in front of you, leaving only a few crumbs, some grotesque dots of raspberry jam, and a spinach leaf with a toothpick through it. (STILL TOO SOON). Joss gave you something amazing, only to rip it away, because he likes to see you suffer. It nourishes him. Moreso, even, than toast.
3. Wes Anderson's Toast Is Made of Swirls of Different Peanut Butter
Because visually, everything has to be the same muted color palette. There are also salty bits of water that taste suspiciously like tears on top, but he won't explain why they're there or what caused them. He just stares at you sadly while you eat the toast, and recites soliloquies from his 9th grade poetry journal. It is also several shades of tan and covered in tears.
4. JJ Abrams' Toast Has Literally Everything He Could Fit Onto It
You like peanut butter? JJ will put that on your toast! You also like nutella, jam, honey, a fried egg, syrup, cheese, pickles, and bacon? Have no fear, that's on there! JJ wants to please EVERYONE, so he will make a bloated monstrosity of everything he can, and he'll toast the bread in a Star Wars toaster for added nerd cred! He will also cover the entire thing in glitter sprinkles, because it's really pretty when the light catches them. They look like sunbeams!
5. Woody Allen Cuts The Crusts Off, Arranges Them Artfully
And then stands beside you and neurotically explains in great detail what he means by the exact placement of the food on the plate, the peanut butter-to-bread ratio, and then begs you to tell him you like it.
6. Michael Bay's Toast Is Actually On Fire
...And he has drawn boobs on the plate with Strawberry Quick.
7. David Fincher's Toast Is Just A Plate Of Flour, Some Nuts, A Jar Of Jam, And A Blowtorch
David has given you everything you need to make the toast. You must now assemble it yourself.
8. Richard Linklater Shows You Where The Toast Comes From
He's taking you to the wheat field. You're going to see the entire process of how bread gets made. Grab your windbreaker, he'll pick you up at 6 am.
9. Josh Trank Fucks Up The Toast And Blames His Ingredients
The toaster was malfunctioning, the bread had gone stale, and all he had to top it was expired mustard—he still puts it together and serves it to you, but bitches about his limitations when you don't like it.
10. Guillermo Del Toro Makes Beautiful Toast
...But there's a pentagram on it and we hear frightened howling. Is he serving you breakfast, or summoning Cthulhu? You don't know, but that's an awful lot of candles for an AM meal.
11. Quentin Tarantino Just Smears PB On Your Toes
You wake up. There's peanut butter on your foot. Quentin has made himself breakfast.
Thanks to @cooper_jim for his help brainstorming—and for helping me make all this toast.