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Four Superheroes Whose Dicks Ruined Everything

Real talk, dudes and dudettes—we've all had that moment in our D&D game, post-Marvel movie coffee date, drink 'n draw, or geek girl pub night where we start theorizing about superhero sex organs until we sound like Brodie from Mallrats (weirdly, this seems to happen most at the geek girl pub nights for me—my lady friends have filthy minds. I guess we can smell our own).  Also, googling various X-characters without google safe search on results in some pretty "interesting" fan art, and by "interesting", I mean, "disturbing yet also weirdly arousing and now I'm in trouble with HR at work for my search history".  

Well, it turns out people who make comics think about this stuff, too. Sex between supes has led to some pretty fucked-up moments in comics history—and I'm not just talking about when Dawn fucks a Thricewise and gets turned into a centaur, a doll, and a giant in Buffy Season 8, or the entirety of The Boys, by Garth Ennis. Here's some of the weirdest, most fucked-up shit that has happened to characters in the Marvel and DC universes after they decided to pull their pieces out and get busy.

 

1.  Spider-Man Kills Mary Jane With Radioactive Spider-Spunk

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In the four issue limited run Spider-Man: Reign, set in alternate universe Earth-70237, an older Peter Parker is wracked with guilt over the death of MJ. You know, as he should be, because his radioactive semen gave her fucking cancer of the everything. As she dies a slow, horrifying, cancer-ridden death, Peter leaves her deathbed to go deal with some gunshots he's heard, and when he gets back, she's gone. Spider-douche chose going after a few petty crooks over spending MJ's last moment alive by her side, and the poor, long-suffering woman had to die alone.

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Think about that.  Every time they had sex, he was giving her literal fucking cancer injections—and cancer is a really shitty way to die. Makes me think Gwen got off light with the whole "broken neck" thing. She got off lucky in Earth-616 with Mephisto magicking Peter and MJ's relationship from continuity, so what I am taking from all of this is that dating Peter Parker is almost as bad an idea as playing footsie with a rattlesnake.

 

2. Jamie Madrox Boinks Both Siryn and M At The Same Time (But Not Together), Knocks Up Siryn, Then Absorbs His Own Baby

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Jamie Madrox has a pretty sweet power—he can create duplicates of himself. Now, what would any red-blooded human do with this power? If you said, "literally go fuck yourself", well, good luck—when Madrox touches any of his dupes they absorb back into him, making clone sex problematic. If your response was, "use this to sleep with multiple people AT THE SAME DAMN TIME", well, you're onto something because that's exactly what Jamie did—they don't call him the multiple man for nothing, hurr hurr hurr. One booze-fueled night, he got down with both M and Siryn at the same time, in two different locations, by creating a dupe or two. Well, Siryn got knocked up. In labor, Siryn asked Jamie to marry her and he accepted. She gave birth to a healthy baby boy and, in a touching tribute to her late father, she named the baby Sean.

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Seems like a recipe for happy ever after, right? WRONG. The Marvel universe doesn't have happy endings. Remember when I said Jamie absorbs his duplicates when he touches them?  

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Well, it turns out the son of a dupe is still a dupe, and when Madrox held his son for the first time, HE ABSORBED HIM INTO HIS OWN BODY. Turns out that a dupe, not Jamie himself, got down with Siryn that night.

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Siryn, understandably filled with rage, breaks Jamies finger and tells him to GTFO, and both characters sink into deep depression after Sean Madrox's short little life.

 

3. Colossus Bones Kitty Pryde So Hard She Phases Through The Floor

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Shadowcat and Colossus is one of my favorite comic book romances. They're so sweet and fiercely protective of each other—and their in-the-sack dynamic is so explosive, it caused Kitty to lose control, revert to her natural phased state, and phase through the floor, falling naked behind a student. While that's super embarrassing, the locker room at the X-mansion must have had a heyday the next day... and Colossus went down in XXX-legend. But hey, that's what happens when you get as hard as organic steel, and no, I'm not proud of that analogy.

4. Superman and Big Barda Are Mind-Controlled Into Making Porn Together, Then The Tape is Shown To Barda's Husband

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So out of all the items on this listicle (sidenote: "listicle" is probably the worst amalgamation of a word since bae), this one is probably the most upsetting. I mentioned that Kitty and Colossus are one of the most endearing, enduring loves in the Marvel U. In the DCU, that relationship for me might be Mr. Miracle and Big Barda. How? Why? HOW?

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Enter Sleez—a skeezy villain who was so depraved Darkseid kicked him outta his squad for being too creepy and fucked up—who has the power to psychically corrupt people and use them for his own depraved purposes. Sleez gets ahold of Big Barda and Superman's minds. Now, with two of the most powerful superbeings under your control, there are several options open to you—rob a bank, take over a small country, beat the everliving shit out of Batman just because, like Maxwell Lord did—but what did Sleez do? He mind controlled the two heroes into making a superporn.

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(Big shocker that Superman has all the sex appeal of a stick. I bet he starfishes so hard in bed, it feels like you wandered into Spongebob slashfic if you let him deep dick you)

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Furthering the fucked-upedness, Darkseid gets his hand on a copy, and not one to waste an opportunity to be a complete dick, invites Mr Miracle into his home, shows him the tape of his wife getting down with the Man of Steel, and says, "eh, maybe you should do something about your wife taking Superdick on camera?"

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Mr. Miracle responds by busting in on the two while they're filming a scene, breaks Sleez's mind control over Supes and Barda, gets attacked by a pink tentacle monster (because of course a creepy porn villain has a pink tentacle monster as a pet), and Barda punch-fucks the tentacle monster's throat until it's dead, then Sleez blows himself up in a sewer. Also, in a totally non-shocking display of Super-dickery, Clark mansplains his part in all this in a totally faux-gallant way, and everyone believes him.

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The 80s were a weird time for comics, you guys.

 

Any big ones I missed?  Hit me up in the comments.


Brandy dawley

Brandy Dawley

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