Yesterday, we gave you five recommendations for great superhero movies currently streaming on Netflix. Let's say you've seen all of those and were frankly unimpressed by how good they were. Methinks you need some truly terrible superhero movie recommendations instead. Here are five of the worst superhero movies currently available on Netflix Instant. Click the title header of each film to be taken to its Netflix page.
Remember when Hollywood kept trying to make Tom Jane happen? While the actor managed to be an engaging screen presence in both Boogie Nights and Arrested Development, he's floundered every time his name is first in the credits. Never have his limitations as a leading man been quite as glaring as they were in the second attempt to bring one of Marvel's darkest characters to the screen. While the film is certainly better than Dolph Lundgren's hamfisted 1989 take on the character, it's still hopelessly lame. John Travolta is nothing but prime cut ham as the villainous Howard Saint, and the uninspired direction from first time director Jonathan Hensleigh does nothing to overcome the numerous script and casting issues.
I'll never forget how psyched 17 year old me was to see this film. To this day it remains one of only three films I've walked out of—the other two were A.I. and Star Trek: Into Darkness. If you ever needed proof of how substantial the loss of Brandon Lee was, just watch the utterly waterlogged non-charisma oozing out of Vincent Perez in this half-assed sequel. Music video director Tim Pope's only feature film remains one of the more embarrassingly terrible sequels of all time, and while the two Crow films that came after this one may have been worse, I'll never know because my affection for the franchise died halfway through this sham.
Jesus Christ on a cracker, have you actually seen this movie? I know everyone hates it for what it basically stands for, but have you actually seen it? So few bad movies are worse than their already terrible reputation suggests, but this is one of them. I knew this was going to suck and was absolutely floored by how awful it actually was. Halle Berry and Benjamin Bratt actually have what I would deem a negative chemistry factor, Sharon Stone devours every bit of scenery she can get her mouth around, and the whole thing is presided over by a guy named Pitof. As you might have (not) noticed, it was his last theatrically released feature.
Robert Rodriguez is one of those directors that I admire more than I like. Case in point, his woefully misguided attempt to launch a franchise based on an idea from one of his kids. Look dude, I get it, I love my kids too, but I wouldn't put them in charge of a major motion picture franchise. The film plays like the discount Spy Kids that it is, with Kristen Davis and David Arquette standing in for Carla Gugino and Antonio Banderas, and future Twilight star Taylor Lautner playing the titular fish boy. Seriously, if you think he's a terrible actor as an adult, you should see him as a ten year old. It's so much worse than it sounds, and it doesn't sound all that pleasant.
Keanu Reeves is an easy target, because he's really only good at one thing. Whatever it is that Constantine required of him was not in his wheelhouse, and his distracted line delivery betrays his attempt to hide his lack of commitment to the role. Look, Alan Moore adaptations never go well, not least of which because he may indeed be putting warlock curses on them, but this one is especially terrible. Not even the normally reliable Tilda Swinton and Rachel Weisz—the latter of whom would win an Oscar for another 2005 film, The Constant Gardener—can save this depressing, ugly film from itself. Sometimes you see a film pull off a bit of stunt casting and find yourself amazed by how well it worked out, and sometimes you see Constantine and just shake your head as to how they managed to give Gavin Rossdale more than two lines of dialogue.