While the rest of the critical community got to see the film last night, I'm going to have to drag my fat average joe ass to the theater on Saturday morning to lay eyes on the monstrosity that is Batman v Superman: Dawn of Sequels. Here are ten bold predictions for what we'll see in the film, and I don't want to give anything away, but number six is gonna knock your dick in the dirt!
1. Supes Will Use Batfleck's Affair with the Nanny Against Him in their Fight
The big blue boy scout knows better than anyone that mental tactics are required to win a clash of the titans, so pulling this mental trick out of the bag might be all the opportunity Supes needs to snap Batfleck's neck.
2. Jeremy Irons will find a way to bang a woman half his age
Name me a Jeremy Irons movie where this doesn't happen... The Lion King doesn't count. Women just can't resist a man in a scarf.
3. Gene Hackman Cameo
Expect to either see a framed picture of Gene Hackman or perhaps a large oil painting of the actor at LexCorp. Just a little something for those of us who will forever say #NotHackmanNotLex
4. There will be some uncomfortable hemming and hawing about allowing Cyborg on the team
Not because he's black though. That has nothing to do with it... Look at Jason Momoa, he's... non-white. Isn't he?
5. Batfleck Gets a Little Handsy with Wonder Woman
If there's one thing we all know about this Batman, it's that he gets a little handsy when he's had a few. Let's hope Alfred keeps the sauce under lock and key.
6. Jesse Eisenberg Makes Another Meme Worthy Face
If I had to wager a guess, I'd say it's this one...
Hang on, now it needs a clever name like Effete Lex Luthor...
Someone please keep this going...
7. Scoot McNairy is playing a famous Superman supporting character, just not Jimmy Olsen
Ever since stills of character actor Scoot McNairy (Argo, Killing Them Softly) was photographed on the set of BvS with green leg stockings, fans have been speculating wildly as to who his character will be. Well, I know for a fact that he's not Jimmy Olsen, which was heavily rumored, but rather the no-less popular Superman sidekick Beppo the Super Monkey! It's a mocap monkey performance that will earn him an Oscar nomination, much to the chagrin of Andy Serkis.
8. It's not Joe Chill that Kills Martha and Thomas Wayne
It's Doomsday! That motherfucker's a killing machine!!!
9. At least one, perhaps two hardcore sex scenes
I need to check my sources on this one again, but ever since this screencap from the film landed on my desk, I can't help but imagine what on earth leads to this scenario.
10. Aquaman Dies
In what many audience members will consider as the worst set-up and payoff to a beloved DC character ever, Jason Momoa's Aquaman will appear at the 2 hour and 10 minute mark, surfacing from the ocean to make his presence known to Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman. The bad news is that he surfaces right as the three team up to chuck that fucker Doomsday into the ocean and Aquaman perishes. There will be a sequel wherein everyone goes to his funeral.