With a little more than a month to go until the cure to the biggest case of cinematic blue balls in history is finally released, I've been reading a lot of stupid shit online about Star Wars: Episode VII: The Force Awakens. Everyone's got a theory and the vast majority of them suck ass, so I'm going to finally bring you my definitive list of Force Awakens predictions, all of which carry a 100% money back guarantee.
Kylo Ren is really Han Solo
Why? Because fuck you, that's why.
Maz Kanata's theme song is "Mas Que Nada"
By now we all know that Maz Kanata—the character being brought to life by Oscar winner Lupita N'yongo—will be a completely CGI character on screen. My bold prediction is that the CGI character will bear an uncanny resemblance to Sergio Mendes, the man behind the classic song "Mas Que Nada." J.J. Abrams is a big music guy and has already named a character Ello Asty after the Beastie Boys' album "Hello Nasty," so this isn't much of a stretch.
Angus Scrimm : Captain Phasma :: David Prowse : Darth Vader
This is another J.J. Abrams fanboy bullshit theory. He apparently got the name "Phasma" from the movie Phantasm, and in a nice bit of synergy with the original trilogy, he's hired former Tall Man actor Angus Scrimm to actually perform the role, while Game of Thrones star Gwendoline Christie will simply be providing the voice.
Finn is in fact the son of a character from Empire Strikes Back
But it's not Lando, it's fan favorite character Willrow Hood. The resemblance is uncanny. By the end of the film, Finn will pick up an ice cream maker and realize his destiny.
Leia goes to rehab
Everyone's been misinterpreting this moment from the third trailer. Leia's not crying because she knows that Han is off to face certain death at the hands of their long lost son Kylo Ren, who we learned earlier is Han Solo. She's crying because the new cast members hold an intervention for Leia and she runs to Han with tears in her eyes, begging for one more chance to turn things around. In what has been described as the most emotionally turbulent scene in the film, he then drops her off at the Betty Ford Clinic.
Someone, hopefully Chewie, punts that soccer ball looking droid
Sure, everyone loves BB-8, but if that fucker thinks about beating Chewie at holochess, he's gonna end up getting punted into fucking oblivion.
C-3PO lost his arm in a fisting accident
You fanboys just had to know, didn't you? You just had to ask, didn't you? Well, he was fisting a dude he met while trolling the Tatooine Craigslist Casual Encounters page and it turned out, the guy was a classic droid hater. Took that fucking arm as a trophy. Happy now?
Andy Serkis to play Porkins
Another fan favorite character, another mo-cap CGI delight. This time, the theory goes that Jek Porkins not only survived the attack on the first Death Star, but was hit with force lightning or something and now he's a big bad Sith. It's airtight.
Simon Pegg playing son of another "fan favorite"
That's right. We all knew that Simon Pegg would show up somewhere in this flick, likely as the dying stormtrooper that leaves blood on Finn's helmet, but I have it on good authority that he'll be playing the son of Christopher Lee's Count Dooku. Pete Dooku has spent years distancing himself from his father's illegal Sith activities and now works as a junk dealer on Jakku. Can't wait for the much ballyhooed "haggling" scene between him and Rey.
Benedict Cumberbatch is Khan
I don't care what J.J. Abrams says, when you see BC in that fake chest, it's gonna be a franchise altering moment.