Masturbating? That's good for a couple hours a day, but then the chaffing starts. Second job? Good luck finding one in this economy, bucko. Spending time with loved ones? Hah! The real solution is to log on to the MMO for the cool kids: Second Life. But just like real life, Second Life can often seem all too devoid of manly activities - especially since the much-coveted "Beer over IP" technology is still years, if not decades, away. But fear not, reader -- DV is here to show you how to inject your Second Life account with a million CC's of cold, unsentimental testosterone.
Get Some Wheels
I know what you're thinking: "This is the fucking internet. Cars are so First Life." But you're wrong, so stop trying to refute me, you arrogant bastard. Cars on the Internet are even BETTER than cars in real life. With no need to give thought to things like fuel economy, practicality, or aerodynamics, this is your chance to buy the ultimate Manly Car. My whip has six spoilers, twenty cup holders, three V12 engines, two rockin' tits for headlights, and a passenger door that's too small for fatties to fit through, ensuring you will only be caddying the finest female avatars. Sure, most of them are probably fat in real life, but you don't have to know about it.
Or, you can really go all out and ride this bad boy around.
Its only emission is death.
Get a Penis
The sad truth about your default Second Life avatar is that it's packing like a Ken Doll. How can Second Life serve as a bridge to totally hot VR Sandra Bullock sex a la Demolition Man if our virtual counterparts don't have any junk? Fortunately for you, this is the Internet, so penis attachments were invented about twenty seconds after Second Life went live. But while you can buy a pre-rendered penis for about 150 Lindens (about 50 cents in American dollars, and rising), the real enterprising Lindenite male will design his own. I created a kickin' Gadsden Flag penis, which is a full two feet long, looks like a coiled snake, and has "Don't Tread on Me" written across the scrotum. Definitely manly, and sure to piss off any sissy Brits you come across in your travels.
It’s estimated that 40% of the content on Second Life is adult-oriented, putting it somewhere on the porn spectrum between late night Showtime (35% porn) and late night Cinemax (67% porn). But there are some pitfalls to Second Life’s variety of sexual stimulation. First of all, cyber sex involves other people, who may or may not be dudes. Second of all, while 3D models of T&A were pretty fantastic when you were 12 and playing Tomb Raider, they lost some of their appeal around the time you got your first Internet connection. The safest route is to use your new penis as a status symbol only.
Kill Some Furries
While we were all raised by anthropomorphic animals – thanks to the King of the Furries, Walt Disney – most of us managed to relinquish our fantasies of boning Minnie Mouse as soon as our sexual awareness advanced past hand-holding. But Second Life is home to a large contingent that never quite got over their desire to be/fuck animals. Everyone knows that Furries are to sex as Joe Camel is to cigarettes – they’re both thinly veiled ways to lure stupid, impressionable children into something they’re not prepared for. Recent polls show that 62% of Furries are pedophiles, and 38% of Furries are super-mega-ultra-pedophiles. We recommend spaying and neutering any animal lovers you come across, preferably with some kind of shotgun.
Violate the Terms of Service
Sure, you could work hard to craft buildings and objects in Second Life that make the game more enjoyable to you, or waste real money buying the shit from other people. But why do that, when you can get your jollies in Second Life the same way you get your music and movies – by violating copyrights. Load up a CopyBot and you can copy anything you see in the game for your own personal use. Hot air balloons, sex toys, yachts, villas, pinball machines… the world is yours, my friend. The best part is that making unauthorized copies of in-game objects is against the Terms of Service. When you get banned, you can finally uninstall this shitty “game” and buy Grand Theft Auto IV already.