When I was a kid, viewing nudity was a commodity that was planned for weeks in advance. I would scour the TV Guide, looking for any R-rated movies that would air on HBO before my bedtime, and pray that my folks would be out of the house for those two hours. And even then, it was a crapshoot. As a child, I became quickly aware that not all R-rated movies actually contained nudity; the deflating feeling that you just watched some terrible drama from the 80’s for absolutely no reason was more or less the pre-Internet version of the RickRoll; you got burned and you totally knew it.
On the bright side, I now have a bottomless amount of knowledge concerning shitty films that contain no bottomlessness.
Nowadays, you’re never more than three mouse clicks away from every imaginable form of pornography (and some unimaginable forms, as well). Sure, it’s made things easier, I suppose. But the mystery is completely gone, replaced by the feeling that there’s nothing good left to discover. Sometimes I wish that I didn’t have this kind of power at my fingertips, but whenever my connection goes down for even an hour, I get all Lord of the Flies at my house and beg forgiveness for asking for such an awful fate.
This week, I was asked to compile a list of five celebrities that we desperately need bikini photos of. At first, I thought this would be extremely easy (and a sweet way to earn cash, I might add; never let it be said that being a freelance author doesn’t have its perks), but as I began my meticulous and detailed research, I realized that everything I had hypothesized about the Internet was true. Furthermore, I learned something about beautiful women in the spotlight. There was almost no stones left to overturn; damn near every beautiful celebrity and personality has already been nude on camera, or at the very least, donned a swimsuit for photographers.
Think about it. Can you honestly come up with five famous women that you haven’t already seen in some stage of disrobement? For me, this became a scavenger hunt; I needed to find someone, anyone, who had decided to leave at least something to the imagination. Let me tell you, it was harder than I had imagined.
Here now, my Top 5. This is a very arguable list, but again, if there’s a woman out there that you want to see in a bikini, do a Google Image Search before you start bitching at me. Chances are that she’s already out there, waiting for you to ogle her. Here we go.
#5 – Maria Bartiromo – CNBC News Anchor
Those lips. Those eyes. The way she pronounces the names of countries. The argument over who the hottest anchor in America is will rage until the apocalypse, but Ms. Bartiromo gets her due any day of the week.
#4 – Emma Watson – British Actress (Harry Potter)
Sure, she turned 18 all of six minutes ago, but I’m through pretending that she’s not hot.
#3 – Rachel Nichols – ESPN Personality
What's not to like about Rachel Nichols? She's a redhead, she probably knows more about sports than you do (and gets paid to talk about it), and she always manages to keep her body cleverly hidden under business suits and pinstripes. Rachel, for the good of the ESPNation, hit the beach, will you?
#2 – Julia Louis-Dreyfuss circa 1995 – American Actress (Seinfeld)
For my money, Elaine Benes was the greatest female character in television history. It was just a perk that she was played by one of the most quintessentially perfect 90’s actresses of all-time. Sure, she’s a little older now (and her hair isn’t nearly as awesome), but I think we all look back on the time we spent with Elaine quite fondly.
#1 – Aishwarya Rai – Bollywood Actress; Most Beautiful Woman On Earth
Yes, I know that she wore a one-piece on camera when she was in her beauty pageant days, but as we all are quite aware, one-pieces don’t count.
There you have it. Who’s on your list? Sound off in the comments section, and let the discussion begin.