•FASTEST BEER GUZZLER IN THE WORLD -- Steven Petrosino - 1 liter in 1.3 seconds
This one is an oldie but a goodie (which was my girlfriend from high school's nickname -- she was the school nurse). Steven Petrosino, a Pennsylvania native who's currently some sort of doctor and scientist and stuff, set this one back in 1977. It's the classic beer world record -- he drank the most, the fastest. Here's a video of the King at work:
While rather impressive, my only criticism of the record is that it's rather "vanilla." Okay, we get it, you drank a lot in a short amount of time. But does this world record translate into me wanting to hang out with Steven? Not really.
•HIGHEST DOCUMENTED BLOOD ALCOHOL LEVEL -- Unidentified Latvian at .7%
Here's an "underground" record, one not recognized by the Guinness book (probably because there was no Guinness representative around to certify it, but let's pretend it's for political reasons). So this 50-year-old Latvian mofo was caught with .7% blood alcohol level. No biggie, right? Let's put it into perspective -- this is 17 times the legal driving limit in Latvia and TWICE the amount considered LETHAL to human beings. And though he was found dead by the cops (yeah, Latvia has cops, go figure), remarkably, he wasn't killed by the frickin' alcohol... HE WAS RUN OVER BY A CAR! Oops! To get his blood alcohol level so high, specialists posited that he must've been drinking home-made alcohol for DAYS as it's impossible to reach that level in one day. See, Steven Petrosino, we're giving you props, but THIS guy went the distance.
•FASTEST BEER BOTTLE OPENING -- Alois Unertl et al, 300 Bottles in 1 minute, 47 seconds.
What's the best way to promote your brewery? Go on TV and break a beer-related world record, of course! That's just what German brewer Alois Unertl and his two teammates did when they went on the German show "Die Show der Rekorde" and set the Guinness World Record for fastest beer bottle opening with 300 bottles in a minute and forty-seven seconds (each member of the team opened 100 bottles by themselves using a special bottle opener).
Funny thing is... now I have a craving for some Unertl beer. Damn trick worked. Crafty Germans, always tricking us Jews.
•LONGEST WORKING BARTENDER -- Angelo Cammarata, 74 years
Angelo Cammarata is the most dedicated worker alive. He's worked as a Pittsburgh-area bartender nonstop for 74 fucking years... that's from the moment prohibition ended until NOW. The 93-year-old was quoted as saying, "It keeps me living," and you know what? I think I agree. He's found the formula to a long life -- serving other assholes drinks to make them even meaner nonstop, for years and years. His longest customer, Charles "Blackie" Blackstock is also still alive, at 93-years-old. There must be some sort of age-defying formula in the water in Pittsburgh. This is the only answer.
•FASTEST BEER MILE - Sean Wade, with 5 minutes, 40 seconds
For those who don't know, a "Beer Mile" is, well, a lot like it sounds. You have to drink a can of beer before each of four four-hundred meter laps around a track. The person who is the fastest wins, but if you throw up, you have to run more laps. Mr. Wade, a Hamilton, Ontario (that's Canada) native ran a beer mile in five minutes and forty seconds. I'll be frank... I can't run a sober mile in under six minutes, so I for one am amazed. The following video isn't of Sean Wade, but of some other losers running far less impressive beer miles. These guys even make the rookie mistake of vomiting.
•MOST PINT GLASSES BALANCED FROM ONE DUDE'S CHIN - Ashrita Furman, 75
If you're not familiar with Ashrita Furman, you're missing out. He's the holder of the most Guinness Book World Records. He's got records for stuff like juggling and running at the same time, pogoing, eating the hottest chili pepper AND, appropriately, he's balanced the most beer glasses EVER on his chin. Seventy-five's a lot... but it wasn't enough for Ashrita -- as this video shows, he tried to balance even more pint glasses and failed. KER PLUNK!
•CARRYING BEER STEINS -- Reinhard Wurtz, 20 steins carried 40 meters
Germany held this record for a long, long time. I mean, makes sense... it's one of the only places in the world where they mostly serve beer in beer steins. But a German-born Australian has now taken the title. Forty-year-old Reinhard Wurtz carried twenty steins forty meters, destroying poor barmaid Anita Schwartz' record of sixteen steins for "the requisite distance" (which we're assuming is some distance equal to or shorter than forty meters). Check out Reinhard crushing Anita's record (and flushing her life's work down the toilet) below: