Red Baron Microwavable French Bread
It doesn't really matter which topping you pick because they never come out right. Cheese, pepperoni, supreme, sausage, cat—every type of Red Baron microwavable French bread pizza comes out tasting exactly the same. It's always got crusty cheese, one cold spot somewhere in the center of the bread, and enough grease to clog Roger Federer's arteries. That alone should make it quite manly, but Red Baron doesn't stop there.
DiGiorno's Pepperoni Rising Crust
I don't even care about the pizza itself. I vaguely remember it being decent the last time I had it. But is there any pizza more suited for the cliched pizza boy porno than DiGiorno's Pepperoni Rising Crust?
Girl: I sure wish that delivery man would. Get here soon. I am. Famished.
[knocking at the door]
Girl: Whoever could that be?
Guy: It's me. I brought you a pizza.
Girl: That was. Awfully quick for you to come. Deliveryman.
Guy: I'm not delivery. I'm DiGiorno.
Music: bow chicka bow wow
Guy: And I brought you a pepperoni pizza. With rising crust.
Edwardo's Chicago Deep Dish
If you want real Chicago deep dish pizza, fuck Uno's. Order yourself one of the most expensive frozen pizzas available...the $25.00 Edwardo's frozen pizza. While not quite as good as hitting up this mecca of Chicago-style 'za (which I TRULY, truly recommend), it's pretty damn close. My favorite is spinach (just like Popeye).
Amy's Black Olive and Mushroom
Organic. Reduced fat ingredients. Perfect for men.
You may look at the name or the giant notice about its organicness and shrug off Amy's pizzas as chick food. If you do that, you're doing yourself a great disservice. In reality, Amy is the perfect pizza for any man in a relationship.
How often do significant others bug you to eat better? Or to make sure you eat fruit and vegetables with dinner? When you lie and tell her you do, she may not say anything, but she knows. Oh, she can tell. If you eat this for dinner, you can look her straight in her suspecting and convicting eyes when she asks what you ate for dinner, and tell her, “Just some organic Italian food, fruit and vegetables.”
Trader Joe's Pizza Margherita
I visited Italy back when I was a kid. Now, despite the rumor that pizza was invented in America (and thus isn't really Italian food), there's lots of pizza to be found in Italy. My favorite kind was the ultra crispy, thin-crust variety Pizza Margherita I had in Milan. And, believe it or not, Trader Joes' Pizza Margherita is very close to that "true Italian" pizza. As close as a frozen pizza will get, at least. Light on cheese, crispy (when done right) with a heavy dose of basil in the sauce, Trader Joes' Pizza Margherita is the kind of cheap frozen pizza you serve when you want to impress a dinner guest (read: chick).
Tombstone Three Cheese
If you're a real man, one cheese isn't enough. Most men will overcompensate with toppings, but not you. You're a real man, and you like your pizza pure as the earth determined it when the first pizza was baked eons ago. But one cheese? Please, that's so 980 BC.
Real men also know everything good comes in threes. The Three Stooges. The Three Tenors. The Three Little Pigs (who would go great on a pizza...). Threesomes.
Home Run Inn
Home run, deep dish, and sausage. Three phrases/words all guys like. (And one which some guys really like.) I could make all kinds of jokes about deep dish sausage, but I already did that for DiGiorno.
What I will say is this: out of all the pizzas on this list, this is the best. It may not be the manliest on initial inspection, and it may not have the easiest name to text message your friend when he asks what you want for dinner, but it's damn good. Chicago style through and through, it's better than most non-frozen pizza for people in the western US. Chicago crust, Home Run, and sausage? This is the American pizza. Doesn't that make it the manliest?
Pizza Romana (aka "The Best")
This is what many people consider the "best" frozen pizza on the market. It's hard to find (though not quite as hard as Edwardo's) and it's somewhat pricey (though, again, not as expensive as Edwardo's) but it's worth it. This is a frozen pizza for people who don't want to be reminded they're eating frozen pizza. The combination of the way it's frozen and the fresh ingredients makes this one you should get. Hey, you can even order it online.