Turd Cookies/ Kitty Litter Cake
The "eww" factor of turd cookies is mostly in their appearance, because they actually taste pretty good. But if you want to give your Great Aunt Florence a coronary, whip up this classic recipe. The secret, of course, is their turd glaze. If you don't feel like cookies, you can also try out the kitty litter cake. It's even more disgusting looking (and even more delicious).
Vegan (Strict Vegetarian) Nut Roast
You know where to find the best Thanksgiving recipes? In PETA brochures, of course. That's where the Vegan Nut Roast recipe has been culled from. This is less a side dish and more a horrible, horrible replacement for your turkey. Because nothing says "gobble gobble" like a heaping pile of onions, garlic and cashews.
Nothin' says lovin' like cranberries and an onion. That rhymed (Ed. note: Did it?). It's also utterly revolting. I'm all for savory and sweet (you'll find me putting maple syrup on my bacon at least two days out of the week), but who would ruin the fun of cranberry sauce with sour cream and onions? Whoever did this should be punched in the vagina (I'm looking at you, "Mama Stamberg").
Orange You Glad It's Thanksgiving Soup
No one wants soup on Thanksgiving. They want meat and carbs. So that's already points off for this orange soup. Also, soup made out of orange juice is just lame. And add to that the amazing official name that Rachel Ray (the creator of this recipe) gave it: "Orange You Glad It's Thanksgiving Soup"... now you've got a truly horrid dish at your disposal. Mmmm.
Low Fat Roasted Golden Cauliflower
Another fun-lovin' vegan dish that will go over swimmingly this year is the Low Fat Roasted Golden Cauliflower. I don't think I've ever met anyone who likes eating cauliflower on a regular day, let alone on Thanksgiving. This amazingly simple recipe doesn't leave much to chance... it's cauliflower, garlic and olive oil... so basically, garlic, olive oil and blechhh.
Turnips are like grass stains. You can cover them up, but they're still there. And it doesn't help matters if you turn said turnips into a mash. If any of this crap lands on your plate, make sure you find the nearest dog. Cuz dogs love turnips... I hear.
HELL'S OWN ASPIC
Got a kid who's got a sweet tooth that won't quit? Well, turn him off to sweets entirely this Thanksgiving by serving him some Hell's Own Aspic. It combines the sweet and tangy goodness of jello with the savory fun of olives. You'll have your kid turned off to sweets (and possibly suicidal) in no time!
You know what goes great with turkey? The severed head of a sheep! Especially after it's been picked! And as an added bonus, you can bring along some needle and thread and attempt to create a "Frankenturkeysheep" of your very own (we're doing this in the DV offices this year).
Green Bean Casserole
This is one of those classic dishes that's been turning kids off to vegetables for years. The key to success is to make the vegetables as cooked over, oniony and creamy as possible.
Going along with the theme of savory + sweet = horrible, we have the prosciutto-wrapped peaches side dish. Peaches are already a very fickle fruit...finding a good one is incredibly hard. So as soon as you get a batch of ripe, juicy peaches, the best thing to do to ruin them is cover them in Italian ham and oil. It's like eating fruit out of a pig's asshole... happy Thanksgiving!