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50 Reasons Why Star Wars Is Better Than Star Trek

 

2. The Aliens Are Alien.  In Star Trek, pretty much anything can pass for an alien.  You can take your kid to the circus and have them paint whiskers on his face, and then haul him straight in front of a Star Trek camera and call him a Berchloran or something, and I guarantee that no one will notice.  Meanwhile, some Star Wars aliens have giant head tentacles that enwrap their bodies; some are stout, green creatures with tusks and horns; some have weird brain/penis-shaped heads and play in a rockin' band.  In other words, you're not going to just whip them up with five minutes and your extra silly putty, unlike the aliens of Star "let's-just-give-them-all-variations-of-the-same-forehead-ridges" Trek.

3. No Scientific Pretensions.  Or at least not as many.  Sure, there may be an odd pseudo-scientific reference here and there, and admittedly, they almost ruin everything (midi-chlorians, anyone?).  But you will never in your life hear Luke Skywalker barking an order to "modify the main deflector dish to produce an inverse tachyon pulse to scan the inside of the anomaly."  As if that would even work.
 
4. Chewbacca is Understood.  Ooh, the future is so fancy in Star Trek.  You just keep a device on you, a universal translator, and you never have to learn a second language.  Well, guess what?  Han Solo can understand Chewbacca without any of your glitzy gadgetry, despite the fact that he never once speaks wookiie.  And it goes both ways.  It's called making a real connection with another culture, Star Trek.  You should try it sometime.
 
5. Light Sabers.  Q:  What defeats a light saber?  A:  Nothing.  Light sabers cut through anything, from the neck of your favorite old Jedi to the hull of a spaceship.  Not only that, but they're fully collapsible for safe and easy travel, and no one in the Star Trek universe has ever laid hands on one.
 
6. The Force.  Yeah, Spock might have a sweet death grip.  But this one doesn't become a contest until he lifts a submerged fighter plane out of a swamp while doing a one-handed handstand.  Sure, Bones is a fine physician.  But this conversation can't start until he puts a torpedo in a two-meter wide exhaust vent with his eyes closed.  And yeah, Worf is a fierce "alien" warrior.  But don't call me back until he shoots lightning from his fingertips.  The Force is such a versatile concept - it can be a weapon, or it can be a philosophy - that it would be hard for Star Trek to match-up with.  Its appropriate, then, that it doesn't.
 
 
 
7. Yoda.  Wise you are.  Better than Spock Yoda is.  Multiple flips off the wall Spock can not execute.  With inverted sentences Spock does not talk.  A great teacher Spock is not, hmm?  Very powerful Yoda is, yes.  Pointy ears they both have.  But a Jedi Master, only one is, yes.
 
8. Pockets.  Apparently, denizens of Star Trek have evolved to the point where if you want to carry something, you'd better be prepared to use your hands.  Nobody has pockets.  If Captain Picard wants to carry a flask around, apparently he's forced to crotch it or hold onto it, because he's sure not putting it on the hidden pocket inside his jacket.  Because he has no jacket.  And no pockets.  Meanwhile, the men and women of Star Wars can conceal as much alcohol on their persons as they require.  Or candy, gum, condoms, rubber bands, scraps of paper, pens, whatever.  Again, if Captain Kirk gets some purple alien lady's digits, he either has to remember it or scrawl it across his chest in his own blood, because there's no room for a pen and a pad in that skin-tight, pocketless uniform.
 
9. The Ewoks.  Not only do Ewoks, the furry little teddy-bear-like inhabitants of Endor's forest moon, not construct elaborate log-traps in Star Trek, they don't even make an appearance.  And that's a travesty.  It should be legislated that every medium, no matter what the genre, should have at least one Ewok, and at least one instance in which said Ewok causes a giant log to swing from seemingly out of nowhere and crush something unsavory.  Just imagine it.  "This is Wolf Blitzer reporting live from the Situation Room and...[WHAM!]  I've been struck by a giant swinging log!  Gah, my beard!  My beaaaaarrrd!"  Please help me to make this happen.
 
10. Turbolasers.  This is perhaps less an advocation for Star Wars than it is support for adding the prefix "turbo" onto anything to make whatever that thing is kick far more ass.  However, since Star Wars is willing to do this, and Star Trek is not, Star Wars automatically wins.  Some other examples of uses of the prefix turbo:  turbobeers (sounds good, right?), turboamputations, turbodictatorship and turbosocks, the socks that make you turbo. 
 
11. There Shall Be No More Star Wars Prequels.  Let's not kid ourselves:  this is a huge advantage for Star Wars.  Star Wars fans have already waded through three mediocre prequels, and Star Wars continues to thrive, perhaps in spite of them.  Meanwhile, the Star Trek prequels are just getting underway under the direction of Lost creator J.J. Abrams.  Will Star Trek survive its prequels' inevitable undercutting of its most basic foundations and premises?  Will what we learn be better left unknown?  And how are they going to fit Shatner into that suit again?  Advantage:  Star Wars.
 
 
 
12. The Gold Bikini.  Princess Leia's gold bikini is never fully explained at any point.  Evidently, it's just what you wear when you've been made the slave girl of a some sort of giant space-slug/underworld boss.  But in the end, it just does not matter why she's wearing the gold bikini.  All that matters is that she's infinitely hotter than anything Star Trek has ever had to offer, and that includes the Tribbles.  Ooh, they're so warm and furry.
 
13. The Death Star.  It is the most elemental force of destruction in the history of sci-fi.  The fact that it was twice destroyed by a rag-tag group of rebels detracts nothing, as you'd have to be a backwoodsy womp-rat hunting kind of guy to think that anybody could put a proton torpedo in a two-meter exhaust vent.  The Death Star blows up planets.  Put it up against the most devastating force Trekkies encounter:  The Borg.  The Borg will make you one of them.  That sounds suspiciously like making friends, and not at all like a giant, planet shattering explosion.  Is there anyone who'd rather be vaporized than assimilated?  Which brings us to our next point... 
 
14. The Entire Concept of the Borg is Fascist Propaganda.  It seems that the writers of Star Trek have a serious problem with teamwork.  So serious, in fact, that they made the most heinous villains in the universe a group of cyborgs who just want to increase the reach of their knowledge and work together more efficiently.  This is cold war era stuff.  Everyone watch out, the commies are coming to take your children and put them to work on a collective farm.  In Star Wars, the enemy is the fascist Empire, as it should be. 
 
15. Star Trek Villains Exclusively Play Mind Games.  Star Wars villains crush your throat with their mind.  Let's not belittle that difference.  Star Trek villains pussyfoot around.  They'll send you back in time to learn some grand lesson.  Sure, it's a hassle, but hey, you get to meet Mark Twain, and Data builds a time machine, and in the end everything's fine.  If you're battling Darth Vader, on the other hand, protect your neck.  Too late, he's already crushed it with his mind.  Or he's throwing large appliances at you (also with his mind), and if you cut them in half, he smashes you with the pieces.  A crushed windpipe is not a puzzle you can think your way out of.
 
 
 
16. Boba Fett.  The most infamous bounty hunter in history, Boba Fett ruled the imaginations of millions of kids almost solely for being the only guy with a jetpack, and thus, by default, the most kickass.  If someone on Star Trek wants to leave their ship, they have to take the shuttle, which is the future equivalent of a leaky lifeboat, and which never fails to fail and crash horribly in some irretrievable spot in the worst possible time.  If Boba Fett wants to leave a ship, he just flies out of that bitch and floats around.  Maybe he hitches a ride on your tail fin; it doesn't matter, because you can't stop him.  He's like a space ninja, but instead of ninja stars, he has a laser blaster, and instead of a sword, he has a laser blaster.
 
17. No Invented Languages to Learn. Star Wars doesn't waste everyone's time with some fictional language that, if you really want to, you can waste all your free time teaching yourself, just so you can waste all your future free time talking to the only other people in the world loserly enough to waste all their free time learning a fictional language that has never been spoken by any culture at any time.  Let's really ponder this.  If you are thinking about learning a language, and you don't already know all the ones that real people speak, and the first language that comes into your head is Klingon, please fall into the sewer and drown in human feces.  Incidentally, this is also a reason why Star Wars is better than Lord of the Rings.  Relatedly...
 
18. Star Wars Fans Are Better People.  Yes, Star Wars fans have their conventions.  And yes, merchandising and "expansions" to the Star Wars world have pushed the depth of that galaxy to extremely nauseating levels of minutiae.  But, when you think of conventions, you think of Star Trek conventions.  People will wait in line to see a Star Wars movie.  But people will wait in line to get into a Star Trek convention, they will all have spent countless hours on their costumes, and they will all be immersed to an irresponsible level and to the detriment of the real world.  Imagine if these people used the time they used, say, getting their Romulan hairlines in order doing something actually productive, like building houses.  If you're going to a Star Wars convention, you throw on a bathrobe, and bam, you're Luke Skywalker.  No fuss, and if you want, you can do something else with the rest of your life.
 
19. The Toys.  I am sure that Star Trek has toys, but I am also sure that they suck.  When you play with your Star Trek toys, what do you have them do?  Play that crazy three-dimensional chess game?  (Note:  If you play that three-dimensional chess game, refer yourself to the above reason.)  I envision the Star Wars child having an outerspace dogfight while the Star Trek child has "the Away Team" combing the planet's surface for the proper mineral deposits with a modified tricorder, after they've crashed their shuttle, of course.  It's just not fun.
 
20. Star Wars is Money in the Bank.  People like Star Trek.  But beyond their smallish, face-painting core, nobody goes to see their movies.  If Star Trek movies were as bankable as Star Wars movies, Patrick Stewart and William Shatner would co-own Hollywood, and Tek Wars would be running it's fifteenth season on NBC.  On the other hand, when a new Star Wars movie drops, people flip out.  They form lines for tickets months before any go on sale.  They throw parties constructed entirely around screening the previews.  And on opening day, records are shattered.  When a new Star Trek movie opens, the only records that get shattered are Shatner's, when he slips on some spilled gin and lands on his stack of unsold "Rocket Man" singles.
 
 
 
21. Han Solo Only Has Sex With Humans.  I refuse to apologize for the fact that I find it disgusting whenever Captain Kirk seduces some random alien.  It just can't be safe.  Nobody should be down with interspecial love affairs of any kind.  It's gross!  There's a thin line between shacking up with a totally unknown species from another planet and playing "Eenie Meenie" at your local zoo.  Captain Kirk doesn't know what kind of diseases they have in space, but I'll bet he's had more than a few secret meetings with Bones off-camera.  Han Solo doesn't have to worry about that.  And that's a good thing, because the Millennium Falcon doesn't come equipped with antibiotics for Space Syphilis. 
 
22. The Special Effects.  This one is just totally unfair, as Star Wars' one wholly indisputable contribution is in its special effects.  The effects of the light sabers alone blow away anything Star Trek has to offer.  Where Star Wars can simulate a high speed desert pod race featuring vehicles propelled by unknown sources and make it look totally believable, Star Trek takes a concept as mind-blowing as human teleportation, and visually represents it by shaking up some glitter in a jar.  It's called a snow globe, and I'd rather watch cheese mold.
 
23. The Battle Sequences.  George Lucas had his editors watch stock footage of World War II anti-aircraft gunners so that they'd get the feel and dynamic of how the quad laser battle sequences in "A New Hope" should be edited.  And that's just one battle.  By comparison, every Star Trek battle goes something like this, "Initiate evasive maneuvers!  Incoming! [Entire crew coordinates a lurch] Fire!  Incoming!  [Another coordinated lurch, sparks fly from the corners of the bridge door]  Fire!" etc.  It's like high stakes ping-pong, which I guess is cool, if you're into that.
 
24. The Music.  The Star Wars soundtrack is legendary in the realm of movie soundtracks.  In fact, it is probably among the most recognized orchestral music of all time, right up there with Beethoven's Fifth symphony or that Requiem for a Dream string music that, legally, every movie released after 2003 must use.  It uses a sophisticated series of musical themes to evoke certain characters at certain times, and adds a great deal to the overall feel of the series.  Conversely, the pinnacle of music composition for Star Trek is two minutes of synthetic whistling.  Good job.
 
25. The Creator's Other Stuff is Better.  After the original Star Wars trilogy wound down, George Lucas was waiting for technology to catch up with his vision of the next segment of his story.  But did he rest on his laurels while the time came?  Yes, if "resting on your laurels" is another way of saying "co-creating the greatest action-adventure franchise of all time."  No sane person would rather watch "Earth:  Final Conflict" or "Andromeda" over any of the Indiana Jones movies, even if they joined in Indy's intense hatred of snakes.  I'd probably rather watch THX-1138, too, although I might have to break my hand with a hammer first.  You know, for the pain.
 

Steve attanasie

Double Viking

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