10 Instances in Which Making Video Games More Realistic Would Be A Bad Idea

Super Mario Bros.

 

Video Game: Eating mushrooms causes Mario to grow bigger and stronger, thus allowing him to save the Princess.  

Real Life: Eating mushrooms causes Mario to wonder how the carpet got so damn significant all of a sudden. Bowser has his way with the princess.   

The Legend of Zelda

 

Video Game: Link is a fairy boy who wears tights and adventures through the mystical land of Hyrule to save the Princess Zelda with his magical sword of power. 

Real Life: Link is a fairy boy who adventures through the mystical land of San Francisco so he can show men his magical sword of power. Also, Zelda is a total bitch.  

Katamari Damacy

 

Video Game: A prince must rebuild the stars, constellations and moon by rolling a magical, highly adhesive ball called a katamari around various locations, collecting objects until the ball has grown large enough to become a star. 

Real Life: What the fuck? This premise doesn’t make any sense at all. You are on drugs. Now go kill your parents. 

Alternate Real Life Solution: You are Japanese. Nothing makes sense. Now go kill your parents.  

Donkey Kong Country

 

Video Game:  Donkey Kong and his little pal, Diddy, must run, jump, and swing through the jungle to get their banana horde back from the evil King K. Rool and his army of Kremlings.  

Real Life: Donkey Kong is a gorilla, and does not share territory with chimpanzees such as Diddy. Their buddy-buddy relationship quickly degenerates into a combination of feces throwing and fervent, competitive masturbation.  

Guitar Hero

 

Video Game: You are really good at playing guitar. Women love you.

Real Life: You are really good at telling colors apart. You are a virgin.  

Prince of Persia

Video Game: Slow time! Reverse time! Run up walls! Do all kinds of crazy shit! Just help the Prince of Persia beat the sand-zombie things and win the heart of his beloved princess. 

Real Life: Distorted perceptions of time and space and delusions of supernatural abilities? We already made a drug joke this article, didn’t we? Oh well. Let’s just say as you try to clear that gaping chasm by running along the wall, and the laws of physics take a big, solid crap on your head and send you plummeting to your death. Also, as you try to use a glorified butter knife to go back and do it again, the space-time continuum laughs and makes out with your girlfriend.    

Myst

 

Video Game: You spend countless hours exploring and solving puzzles in a beautifully rendered, photo-realistic interactive world. 

Real Life: Jesus! This is taking FOREVER! Is there any food on this island?? I think I’m starving to death. Or how bout a toilet at least? I’ve had to make dookie ever since the clock... tree… puzzle… thing. 

Metal Gear Solid

 

Video Game: The Metal Gear project threatens the world with nuclear apocalypse. Luckily, though, secret agent Solid Snake can, um, hide in boxes? 

Real Life: Guard 1: Eh, Bobby, did that box just move?

Guard 2: Which box? This one right here, apart from all the rest, that seems to be shuddering in an erratic fashion?

Guard 1: The very one. Think we should just forget about it and go back to our routine path?

Guard 2: And ignore a suspicious, out-of-place incident in a highly sensitive, top-secret nuclear facility? Sounds good to me. 

Guard 1: Ah, what the heck. Let’s riddle it with holes first, just to be safe.

(The guards fire their weapons repeatedly into the box.)

Guard 2: Well, I ain’t ever heard a box scream like that, that’s for sure. 

Kingdom Hearts

 

Video Game: Characters from Disney movies merge seamlessly with those from the popular Final Fantasy games to go on an epic quest to stop the evil Heartless.  

Real Life: I say Cloud would totally pwn Goofy with his Buster sword, but this n00b on the forum said that the Keyblade was way stronger. I was about to tell him how much he suxxor, but then my Mom told me to stop looking at the pr0n and come to dinner.  

Dr. Mario

 

Video Game: See, it’s totally different from Tetris, ‘cause see, instead of dropping blocks onto other blocks, you’re dropping pills onto viruses, and, um… Look, Mario’s a doctor, OK?  

Real Life: All I can say is, I talked to my Aunt Jillian, and she said the last time she trusted a fat Italian plumber who said he was a doctor, all it cured was her not having gonorrhea.  
 

There you have it. The more detached, whacked-out, and generally non-sensical the gaming world remains, the better. In the interims when it is impossible to maintain a direct connection to one’s gaming system of choice, I recommend a scientifically balanced combination of ironic detachment, apathy, and veterinarian-strength barbiturates.