10 Best Five O'Clock Shadows Ever

It is for that reason that we at DoubleViking are counting down the top ten five o’ clock shadows of all time.

10. Sonny Crockett (Don Johnson)

It may be goofy, dated, and very, very ‘80s, but one can’t deny the power Sonny Crockett’s five o’ clock shadow had in its time. Don Johnson’s stubble started a facial hair revolution. Men everywhere were waiting for their beards to grow out, shaving them, and then riding the sweet, sweet five o’ clock shadow until their facial hair grew out too far and became something akin to a quasi-beard.

9. Solid Snake

You may not be able to see the stubble through the camouflage paint, but trust us, it’s there. Waiting.  

Yes, the character is a complete ripoff of Snake Plissken, and yes, his dialogue may often times veer into the ridiculous (“I believe that love can bloom anywhere, even on a battlefield”), but one cannot deny the badassity of Solid Snake. Some may attribute his overwhelming sense of badass to his gruff voice (supplied by David Hayter), or his military training, or his unwillingness to die: for those truly in the know, however, it becomes obvious that Snake’s not-quite-a-beard-but-not-quite-clean-shaven facial hair is what truly makes him a badass for the ages.

8. Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford)

Do you remember when Indiana Jones was a dark character? When he had an unknown past that may have included grave robbing, murder, and statutory rape? Probably not, considering the latter two installments of the Indiana Jones trilogy pretty much turned him into a cartoon character. But, nevertheless, the morally grey character of Henry “Indiana” Jones remains completely intact in the series’ first film, Raiders of the Lost Ark. When he walks into Marion’s bar and they have an argument over something he did to her years ago (which probably involved his penis, and at least one of Marion’s orifices), the candlelight glints off his face as he smacks a wad of cash into Marion’s palm. And in that moment, we see the coolness and the heroism, but we also see the darkness and the violence. And what exemplifies all of those traits better than any fedora, or leather jacket, or whip? 

That’s right. His five o’ clock shadow.

7. Mr. Blonde (Michael Madsen)

Now, here’s the thing about Mr. Blonde. During the events of the robbery, he doesn’t actually have a five o’ clock shadow, per se. His skin is becoming dark as his hair begins to grow out, but it’s not quite there yet. Nevertheless, one has to consider the following fact: Mr. Blonde carries a straight razor with him at all times, and, presumably, it isn’t always used to remove ears from members of the police force. So, assuming Mr. Blonde shaved before the diamond heist (and who wouldn’t?), his stubble is already beginning to grow back by the time he makes it to the safe house. That, friends, is one determined-ass five o’ clock shadow.

6. Hollywood Hogan 

“Alright, wrestling is getting kind of boring, and we want to somehow merge WCW and WWF. How?” 

“We could take Hulk Hogan from the WWF. He’s mentioned that he wants to switch over to our side.” 

“No, no, that’ll never work. The character of “Hulk” Hogan is too kid-friendly, he’ll distract everyone from the other wrestlers.” 

“Wait. What if we take a few more WWF wrestlers, turn them into anti-heroes, and pit them against our WCW wrestlers?” 

“Turn them into anti-heroes? Hulk Hogan is the most recognizable wrestler in the world, how are we going to turn him into an anti-hero?” 

“Four words, sir. Five o’ clock shadow.” 

“Jenkins, you are a genius.”

5. Travis Bickle (Robert de Niro)

As mentioned earlier, the five o’ clock shadow is a very versatile style of facial hair. While many of the people on this list use their stubble solely for the purpose of badassery, Travis’s five o’ clock shadow symbolizes several things: his childish desire to be some sort of  action hero (it’s not too much of a stretch to say that he probably idolizes the next person on this list, The Man With No Name), his growing neglect toward his own personal hygiene, and his isolation from humanity. While the character of Travis Bickle isn’t someone to be admired (though, unfortunately, around half of the people who watch Taxi Driver do exactly that), the versatility of his five o’ clock shadow, is.

4. The Man With No Name (Clint Eastwood)

Look at it. Gaze at its majesty. Even if The Man With No Name had no guns, was tied up, and had been beaten to within an inch of his life, his stubble would still jump off his face and beat the shit out of anyone unfortunate enough to be within a four mile radius of his facial hair. While it’d be a stretch to say that The Man With No Name was the original stubble-wearing action hero, it certainly feels like that’s the case. 

3. Bruce Willis (Bruce Willis)

Considering Bruce Willis has basically been playing variations on the “angry, stubbly, but morally righteous cop” character for his entire career, it’s not hard to see why he’s so high on the list. While Clint Eastwood may have trademarked the badass use of stubble, Bruce Willis perfected it: while Dirty Harry was clean shaven, John McClane seemed to have a perpetual growth of facial hair that followed him through all three of the Die Hard movies (I’m not counting the upcoming fourth installment by director Len “I made two movies about vampires versus werewolves and still managed to make both of them boring as fuck” Wiseman) and has since been emulated by almost every one-dimensional, wannabe-badass cop to hit the silver screen.

2. Clive Owen (Children of Men, Inside Man, his everyday life)

To quote one of my friends:

“Inside Man was okay, but Clive Owen’s five o’ clock shadow pretty much made the movie for me. It was amazing. It was more like a nine o’ clock shadow.” 

Not to mention that in Children of Men, Owen has very few lines and it’s up to his facial expressions to convey most of the emotion. And nothing helps convey an emotion of hopelessness, jadedness, and fed-upedness like a slightly grey five o’ clock shadow. I have a feeling that the Academy was too intimidated by the badassity of Owen’s stubble to nominate Children of Men for a Best Picture Oscar. 

1. Richard Nixon during the Kennedy debate

I couldn’t find a larger picture, but trust me: the man is working a serious five o’ clock shadow.  

“Why is Richard Nixon at number one?”, You may ask. “He’s kind of an asshole, and his stubble couldn’t have been that good. At least, not good enough to warrant placement at number one.” 

And you’d be right, were it not for one little detail: 

Richard Nixon’s stubble started a war.  

Stay with me. The first ever televised American Presidential debate was between John F. Kennedy and Richard Nixon. Kennedy was clean-shaven and looking like a gentleman, while Nixon, wearing a five o’ clock shadow, looked tired and scary. People who listened to the debate on the radio tended to overwhelmingly agree that Nixon had won. Those who watched it on television (which turned out to be the majority) were sure that Kennedy had won. In the end, his debate “loss” really hurt Nixon: he lost the election and Kennedy won the presidency. Then: 

-Kennedy is killed.

- Lyndon Johnson becomes president.

-Lyndon Johnson sends US troops into Vietnam, starting the Vietnam War.

-Richard Nixon is elected after Lyndon Johnson, and withdraws US troops from Vietnam. 

Now, would Nixon, had he won the first election, sent US troops into Vietnam anyway? We will never know. But what we do know is this: Nixon’s five o’ clock shadow lost him the presidential debates, which helped Kennedy win the election, which put Lyndon Johnson in power after Kennedy’s assassination, which resulted in US military action toward Vietnam. 

Richard. Nixon’s. Stubble. Started. A. War.