“Man Up” Your Home Theater SystemDecember 21, 2006 - 4:02 am |
Sup, yo? It’s that time again. Time to “Man Up” your life, with Double Viking. Last time we taught you guys how to "Man Up" your cell phones. This week, we’re gonna show you how to “Man Up” your home theater system. Tip #1…never call it a friggin’ “home theater.” That term is for pussies. “Entertainment Center” is pretty weak too. We like the “TV and Beer Place.” You should too.
First thing’s first, the TV. What we’re gonna need you to do is call up your bank…find out how much cash you got in your savings. You better have 6 g’s in there. If not, you’re gonna need to take out a loan. Cuz we’re goin for the 60 inch plasma.
I know some of you sissies are saying, if we’re going that big, why not a super nice projector and a great screen? Shut up. Real men have plasmas. So 60 inch plasma is what you’re gonna get. You need a TV that’s so big it forcibly takes over a room. Cuz that’s manly—it’s sorta like what we’re doin over in Iraq. Which, in plain English, is straight bas ass.
The Sound System
Obviously surround sound, right? WRONG! How many ears you got? Five? No, two. So why would you need five friggin’ speakers, bro? Eff that. Plus, if you got a loud system, then your lame-ass girlfriend can hear what you’re watching. What if you’re checking out a porno or something? Forgetaboutit, man.
What you need are some iPod earbuds. Yup, I know they’re pretty weak looking, but whatever. I want you to plug the earbuds into the 60 inch plasma’s headphone jack. And, viola! No one can horn in on your action. And don’t worry about how short the earbud cord is. Just hoist the couch about a foot away from the TV and be prepared to look straight up. That’s the purest TV viewing experience you could ever imagine, bro.
Here’s a list of DVDs you should have in your “TV and Beer Place,” broken down into three categories: “Classics,” “Hey, Let’s Watch…,” and “Yo, Check This Out.”
“The Sound Of Music” Dope flick, don’t hate.
“The English Patient” Count the Oscars, beyotch!
Hey, Let’s Watch…
“Alias: The Complete Series”
“Lost: Season 1”
“Gilmore Girls: Season 3” Dat’s my shnit, boy!
“The Complete Red Shoe Diaries” David Duchovny? Soft core porno? A pet dog?! It’s a nooo brainter, Broheim
Yo! Check This Out!
“Harold And Kumar”
“He-Man: The Complete First Season”
“Shawn of the Dead”
“Cindy Crawford’s Workout” Slap that on the big screen, it’s like you’re actually there, dude! Sick, sick workout.
“Models, Inc. The Complete Series” Underrated classic, mang
Since it’s your TV and Beer Place, you’re gonna need a fridge and some effin’ beer. Okay, so head on over to the appliance store and…SYKE! You think I’m gonna let you off that easy? Dude, you gotta make your own fridge. It’s friggin easy.
My setup is the fridge inside of the middle section of my couch. You can do that too. All you gotta do is pick up 28 pounds of Freon, get some plastic casing made to the size of the couch, get the isolated freezer coils, heat up some metal to build shelves, caulk the enclosure, build hinges and a door, solder everything together and there you go! Oh, and you’ll need to build the electrical system. See, it’s mad easy!
Then you gotta pick out the beer. Coors, Natty Ice, both good options. Personally, I throw down for micro brew. As in…you guessed it, I do up my own brew. I don’t have time or resources to actually brew my own steez, but what I do is stop up my tub, right? And then I dump all the beer I got in my place and mix it together in the tub. Then I funnel it all back into open cans. You should try it…pretty sweet stuff. Watch out for stray bathtub hairs though! Ha ha! But yeah, there’s hair in there.
And there you go. Your TV And Beer Place is all Man-ed Up. That room’s so manly you could j off to gay porn on the 60 inch and still be heterosexual. That’s how we do.